2000 CONE TARIFF ARCHIVES:
Number of David Cone fans:

10/24/00 - Andres Galarraga (Perkolators)
You have to love Galarraga, applaud the season he had and the way he's overcome so many obstacles. But one obstacle he still has to work on is his complex about getting hit by pitches. The guy stands maybe a centimeter from home plate at most and then leans out over the plate wearing enough body armor to go straight from the game to one of those Renaissance-themed restaurants. For god sakes, half the pitches that hit him are actually in the strike zone. But for whatever reason, he still thinks he's being thrown at. The Braves first baseman was suspended for three games and fined towards the end of the season for charging the mound after Rockies pitcher John Wasdin hit him with a 3-2 pitch in the 11th inning of last Tuesday's game. Sorry, but any Little Leaguer knows you don't work the count to 3-2 on a hitter if you're going to throw at him, and you sure as hell don't do it in the 11th inning of a tie game, and you definitely don't do it if nobody's left in the bullpen to replace you. Nonetheless, Galarraga started walking real slowly toward first, staring at Wasdin. When Wasdin yelled at him to stop being paranoid and get his ass to first base, Galarraga rushed him. Robinson said Galarraga's suspension was for "charging the mound, fighting and provoking a bench-clearing incident." For a guy who hits like he does, The Big Puss...err...Cat should really have a better understanding about how baseball works. Cha-Ching.

8/27/00 - Ken Griffey Jr. (Gerryatrics)
Ken Griffey Jr. stopped Hall of Fame broadcaster Marty Brennaman before the Cincinnati Reds' game Wednesday night and took issue with his criticism. Brennaman sharply criticized Griffey on the air Sunday after he jogged to first base on a hit that might have been stretched into a double, and then was later caught day-dreaming and was picked-off firstbase to end a close game for a loss. During a conversation that became profanity-laced, Brennaman said he would continue to criticize Griffey whenever he gave less than his best effort. "The next time you don't run hard to first base, I'll point it out again," Brennaman said. Is there anything worse than a multi-million dollar super-star who can't handle deserved criticism? And what was the deal a few weeks ago with Griffey saying he felt like he was on trial in Cincinnati? Give me a break. He's turning into a real whiner. I wonder how stupid he must feel after his years and years of whining about wanting to be traded if the Mariners don't become a contender only to finally get traded and have the M's instantly vault to the top of the AL West? Cha-Ching.

8/19/00 - Benny Agbayani (Gerryatrics)
There once was a time, back in their mid-'80s glory years, when a bunch of New York Mets made a guest appearance on "Sesame Street" to help teach the youth of America how to count.  Last Saturday at Shea Stadium, they could have used the youth of America to help teach their left fielder how to count.  Yes, the number of the day definitely wasn't "three" on Saturday, when Benny Agbayani gathered in a fly ball by Giants first baseman J.T. Snow and trotted over to hand it to 7-year-old Jake Burns, sitting happily in the box seats. It seemed like a good idea at the time. It stopped seeming like such a good idea when the bulletin reached Agbayani that there were only two outs. Two runs scored. On a fly ball to the left fielder. And poor Benny had to race over, yank the baseball out of Jake Burns' hands and look to see if there was anybody left to throw out. (Correct answer: Negative.)  "I was sad," Jake Burns told the squadron of reporters that descended on him approximately 2.7 seconds later. "Not half as sad as Agbayani," said his father, Jim Burns.  Hehehehe. Cha-Ching.

J.D.Drew (Wormburners)
Cha-Ching x 16...
4/06 - Home Runs #1 & #2
4/09 - Home Run #3
4/10 - Home Run #4
5/06 - Home Run #5
?/?? - Home Run #6
6/06 - Home Run #7 & #8
6/10 - Home Run #9
6/13 - Home Run #10
?/?? - Home Run #11
6/23 - Home Run #12
7/02 - Home Run #13
7/05 - Home Run #14
?/?? - Home Run #15
8/09 - Home Run #16

7/18/00 - Sammy Sosa (Rosas from the Dirt)
OK, I love Sammy Sosa as much as the next guy, but what has been going through his head this year?  Whatever, it has been disappointing to see him become yet another whiney ballplayer who thinks his club owes him the world.  He would have made a good running mate for Ross Perot. Lately all Sammy can say is "I�m in. . .I�m out. . .I�m in. . .I�m out. . ." After announcing that he hates his manager, announcing that he likes his manager, announcing that wants to sign a contract extension with the Cubs, announcing that he doesn't want to sign an extension with the Cubs, and announcing that he wants the Cubs to trade him, Sosa announced through his agent Sunday that he does not want the Cubs to trade him. "Let me finish this year, have it (be) right," he said. "At the end of this year, we can go forward again." Well, that�s awfully big of you to agree to stay until the end of 2000. It�s not like you signed a contract through the end of 2001 or anything.

The Cubs won't hand him a new contract a full year and a half before his current contract expires. Yes, that's right. In all the hype over Sosa's status with the Cubs, it seems that everyone, especially Sosa himself, has forgotten that Sosa is not a free agent. On the contrary, he's actually under contract until the end of the 2001 season. Which makes it all the more confusing why he'd be distracting himself by demanding an extension in the middle of this season. "If they don't show me a contract, it's telling me I'm not going to be here," Sosa said. "It's as simple as that. It hurts my feelings because I think I deserve a little bit more than that." Hey Sammy, did you ever think that maybe if they don't hand you a new contract, it's because they have more immediate concerns than re-signing a guy who won't be a free agent for a year and a half?

"I don't want to come into next year thinking about [my contract]," Sosa said. But apparently he wants to think about it all of this year.

Of course, leaving Chicago would not be an issue with Sammy if the Cubs were a contender. But since they are not anywhere close to contention, he had decided to do the old "trade me to a contender" whine and then act like he�s doing the fans a favor when he changes his mind and says he�ll do what he originally agreed to do in the first place which is play in Chicago. In the past two months, Sammy has publicly feuded with his manager, demanded to be traded, then demanded to be traded or signed to a huge contract extension, then said he was putting off trade talks, then said he was going to play his full contract, then said he would play only through 2000 and then "we can go forward again." One can only speculate on what Sammy�s ever-changing position will be in a few days.

Another player who has let fame and fortune go to his head.  A very disappointing cha-ching.

7/01/00 - Billy Wagner (Gerryatrics)
It was discovered that lefty closer Billy Wagner had been pitching with a tear in a tendon in his left elbow all season. While there was some relief that his poor performance could at least be attributed to a medical reason, Wagner's subsequent questioning of the team's medical staff was not the proper response. Wagner just now admitted that he started feeling pain since last year's play-offs and then intimated that the medical staff had done him a disservice by not ordering the surgery sooner despite his numerous statements over the last 10 months that he was not hurting. Hello?  "It doesn't hurt, it doesn't hurt, honest, it doesn't hurt...hey, you're a doctor, why did you believe me when I said it didn't hurt."  Cha-ching.

6/21/00 - Bobby Abreu (Druids)
Abreu ambled into the clubhouse at Shea Stadium at 4:50 p.m. Tuesday, about two hours and 20 minutes before the scheduled first pitch against the Mets. Manager Terry Francona promptly informed Abreu that he was out of the lineup. "He's kind of falling into a couple habits. This isn't the first time and I feel strongly enough to sit him. I think it's important enough. I think it bothers him a lot not to play, so I'm taking the game away from him. He knows how I feel. Don't be late and run out grounders. I've talked to him enough. I have a responsibility to the other players and the coaches to make sure it doesn't happen again." Abreu was also fined an undisclosed amount. I hate lateness.  Cha-ching.

6/17/00 - John Rocker (Butch & Moans)
OK, you knew this one was coming...I don't think I need to go into much detail here since everyone knows the story. But let's just say you didn't have to be a rocket scientist to see that confronting the guy that wrote the Sports Illustrated story and saying things like "Do you know what I could do to you?!!" and "This isn't over between us!" wasn't one of Rocker's brightest moves. Cha-ching.

And then, after arriving in AAA following his demotion, an angry Rocker stalked off into the clubhouse following a throwing session in which he was agitated with reporters for - gasp - taking pictures of him. Rocker appeared angry as soon as he stepped out of the bullpen. "Get a good picture of me throwing, that's important,'' he said while glaring at a half-dozen reporters and photographers. A few tosses later he again glared into the stands. "Let me ask you something, is it more exciting to watch a guy throw or paint dry? Paint probably.'' Just how much is it going to take to humble this guy? And if he can't be humbled, what else has to happen for him to realize how stupid he is and that the smartest thing he could do is SHUT UP. Cha-ching again.

6/12/00 - Rickey Henderson (Malcontents)
According to the Braves announcers this evening, there is a story makings its way around that Rickey Henderson asked John Olerud during batting practice soon after arriving in Seattle, "Hey, why do you wear that helmet all the time."  Now, keep in mind, Henderson played with Olerud just last year when they were both with the Mets AND before that when they were both playing for Toronto.  Olerud proceeded to explain that he had an aneurysm in college and he essentially needs to wear the helmet to keep from getting what would be a fatal blow to the head.  Henderson went on to say, "Oh, I played with a guy in New York who had to do the same thing."  Cha-ching.

6/12/00 - Mitch Meluskey (Malcontents)
A season already gone bad took an even darker turn for Houston on Sunday when rookie catcher Mitch Meluskey punched teammate Matt Mieske in the eye during batting practice prior to a 4-1 loss to San Diego. Mieske was cut over his left eye. According to witnesses, Meluskey was late for his turn in the batting cage and jumped in ahead of Mieske. The two exchanged words, and Meluskey hit Mieske when the two were outside the cage. Several veterans were upset with the fight and were not afraid to voice their opinions. "To me, it has everything to do with respect," Craig Biggio said. "You know, some people have it and some people don't. I'm going to leave it at that. There's no way in the world something like that should happen." "This is the time when we have to stick together as a family," said starter Jose Lima, "I don't appreciate something like this happening." There was no immediate word on whether or not the Astros planned to take any disciplinary action against Meluskey. At the very least, you can't call the Astros "punchless" any more.  Cha-ching.

6/10/00 - Rafael Furcal (Rosas from the Dirt)
Less than a week after sending closer John Rocker to the minors, the Braves had to deal with another problem Saturday: Rookie shortstop Rafael Furcal was charged with drunken driving and underage alcohol consumption. Police in suburban Cobb County said Furcal, 19 and the youngest player in the majors, was arrested early Saturday morning after failing a sobriety test in the parking lot of a Kroger grocery store. Cobb police spokesman Dana Pierce said Furcal's car swerved into a median about 5 a.m. ET, springing an oil leak. Kroger employees called police to report a suspicious person in the parking lot, and officers found Furcal there. "He looked like he had been drinking,'' Pierce said. "He had all the signs of being intoxicated.''  Ya know, I understand that sometimes you just gotta have a beer and then run down to the grocery store at 5 a.m. (???), but when you are the starting shortstop for the Atlanta Braves you'd think someone somewhere could spot you the cash for a taxi.  Cha-ching.

6/10/00 - Sammy Sosa (Rosas from the Dirt)
Sammy Sosa has done some great things in the last few years, with his big smile and effusive personality lighting up ballparks all across America. He has been great for the game, respectful and caring. That's why his outburst, right out of right field, is very confusing. OK, so Don Baylor said the team might have to trade Sosa to get better. Is that inaccurate? The Cubs are not a good team, and likely won't be the rest of this year. They need to get better. Baylor didn't say he wants to trade Sosa. He didn't say Sammy is the reason the team is losing. Sosa could bring three useful players. He's one of the few guys on the team with real value, and one of the few free agent-eligible players (after 2001).  It's the responsibility of the Cubs to improve themselves whatever way possible. Trading Sosa likely would be a last resort. He wants to stay there. They want him there, but they just can't do whatever Sammy wants. Sosa says Don Baylor has no class. That's simply not true. Baylor challenged Sosa in spring training. That's exactly what he should have done -- Sosa had become less interested and less effective in right field and on the bases. Baylor needed him to be more of a complete player. And he has been this year. But Sosa calling himself a superstar, and demanding more respect, is a bit pretentious. That's the way that many players think of themselves. I didn't expect it from Sammy.  Cha-ching.

6/10/00 - Andy Ashby (Malcontents)
"It's frustrating when you put everything on the line and still get booed" is what Ashby said after yet another subpar outing.  What does he expect?  Fans boo when it is obvious a player isn't trying, but Ashby seems to have forgotten that fans mostly just boo when you suck.  I hate it when players think they shouldn't get any heat as long as they are trying.  I'm afraid when you make $5M per year, it takes a little more than "trying" to win me over.  Cha-ching.

5/30/00 - Barry Bonds (Butch & Moans)
If you saw the highlights of the Giants-Cubs game last Sunday you may not understand why the Infield Fly Rule wasn't called. In the bottom of the fifth, Barry Bonds was up with the bases loaded. He popped one straight up, the ball starting out in foul territory but entering back into fair airspace due to the wind. However, neither the catcher nor any of the infielders seemed to have any idea of where the ball was, whether because of the sun, because of the wind, or because they all had cinders in their eyes. It finally dropped just in front of the plate, whereupon Joe Girardi grabbed the ball, stepped on the plate to force the runner from third and threw to first to retire Bonds, who had not troubled himself to run, or even jog, to the base. So why no infield fly? The key here is that the ball must be catchable with "ordinary effort." As crew chief Jim McKean later explained, "No one knew where the ball was. It would have been the same if the ball was in the middle of the infield." In other words, the umpires won't call an infield fly until they've determined that someone could catch the ball if he chose to. The real problem, of course, was that Bonds stood around instead of running to first base. The same stuff he's been doing for his entire career.

5/28/00 - Jay Payton (Rosas from the Dirt)
Jay Payton lost a lot of internal support recently when he was caught getting a haircut in the clubhouse in the second inning of a recent game.  Not exactly the smartest move (1) after the Rickey Henderson card-playing fiasco which obviously taught Payton nothing, and (2) just after Bobby Valentine announced that Payton had his chance to prove himself and didn't, and is now the 25th man on the club.  Cha-ching.

5/16/00 - Randy Johnson (Golden Gabes)
I like baseball brawls as much as the next guy (what is it with all these people who say it's bad for the game?!), but it does get annoying when guys charge the mound when you know there was no chance in hell that it was intentional.  The Big Unit got mad Friday night when he was hit by a pitch in the second inning. So he started toward San Diego pitcher Sterling Hitchcock with his bat in his hands. As teammates held Johnson back, he continued pointing his bat and shouting at Hitchcock. Perhaps Johnson's biggest mistake, though, was assuming that the plunking was intentional. He was grazed on the elbow when the count was 1-2, and any pitcher who's been around as long as Johnson has should know that you don't work the opposing team's pitcher to 1-2 just to hit him intentionally. Especially when he's the kind of psycho who would charge the mound with a bat in his hands.  Cha-ching.

5/13/00 - Rickey Henderson (Malcontents)
It's bad enough he's killing my team average, has no home runs and only TWO runs batted in, but he's an ass hole on top of it. 

4/24/00 - John Rocker (Butch & Moans)
When John Rocker returned to the Atlanta Braves last week, he actually made a wise decision involving his mouth. He announced publicly he would stop talking to the media, which considering what usually comes out of his mouth, is a damn good idea. But there's just one problem - he won't shut up. After his first game back, he greeted the media at his locker by telling them to beat it and asking if they were deaf. The next night, when he didn't pitch, he stood in the shower and yelled out to the reporters, asking if they wanted an interview. Then he abruptly turned and headed into the showers. If Rocker doesn't want to speak to the press, that's fine. But if he's going to stop talking to the press, would he do us all a favor and just shut up? He acts like the media is responsible for the things he has said.  Cha-ching.

4/14/00 - Todd Hollandsworth (E-Z Does It)
Todd Hollandsworth played center field in the fifth inning of Wednesday's Dodger-Giant game with a lollipop in his mouth.  While he was out there, he completely misplayed a ball hit directly to him, turning it into a double.  When they showed Hollandsworth out there with a lollipop, Vin Scully commented that "now I've seen everything." Cha-ching.

4/08/00 - Rickey Henderson (Malcontents)
The latest on the Rickey Henderson front has the Mets' left fielder instituting a ban on speaking to the media for a month. Henderson's decision to lock out the media comes a day after he coasted into second base on a double-play ball, an action that had serious consequences -- the throw to second was dropped, and Henderson would have been safe at the bag had he hustled. This incident, in turn, came just a couple of days after Henderson claimed that he wasn't motivated to play because the Mets have refused to re-negotiate his current contract. I'm not sure that I could possibly hate this guy anymore than I already do. I cannot believe I drafted this guy onto my team. Cha-ching for not hustling, cha-ching for admitting that he "just isn't motivated." Awwww, poor f-ing baby.

4/04/00 - Al Martin *again* (Rosas from the Dirt)
Sometimes two wives just aren't enough. In court documents filed in December, a Kansas woman, Shelly Dillard, claims that Martin is the father of her two children, and is requesting child support and medical coverage. Martin was ordered to appear in the court's Family Division on April 3 to respond to Dillard's child support request. Dillard's suit says that Martin fathered her three-year-old son and her 19-month-old daughter, and has seen his daughter just once. Dillard also says that Martin sent her between $5,000 and $7,500 every four to six weeks in 1998 and 1999 to pay for the children's clothing, food and other needs. Well, at least he didn't marry her! Cha-ching.

3/24/00 - Rickey Henderson (Butch & Moans)
Rickey Henderson closed camp Thursday by announcing that he'd asked to be traded or released after the Mets refused to extend his contract. Henderson's agent, Jeff Borris, confirmed that he had made the request early this week and even asked for Henderson's release.  Henderson feels that the organization is slighting him.  "Right now, to tell you the truth, I don't feel I'm that important to this club," he said. "I ain't really that happy."  Asked if he would be content leading off for the Mets in next Wednesday's opener if his contract is not changed, Henderson said, "I'm not happy now. Why would I be happy?"  This guy is one of the all-time greatest ass-holes, so I really don't need to expand on this.  Maybe the Mets can leave him behind in Japan.  Cha-ching.

3/21/00 - Al Martin (Rosas from the Dirt)
Al Martin and a woman who claims to be his wife were arrested on charges that they hit each other. Haggerty-Martin hit her husband several times during an argument at their home Monday night and he struck her in the jaw at least once.  She had a swollen face and he had scratches across the bridge of his nose and behind his left ear, and his shirt had speckles of blood on it, according to a police report.  The argument broke out after Haggerty-Martin accused her husband of still being married to another woman police said.  She told police he threatened to kill her.  Haggerty-Martin said Martin had been abusive before, including pinning her to the bed, choking her and sticking the barrel of a gun in her mouth, the report said.  Martin and Haggerty-Martin reportedly were married in Las Vegas in December 1998. Martin told police that he attended a ceremony in Las Vegas but didn't believe it was real.  The Padres' media guide lists Martin's wife's name as Cathy.  Police will investigate the bigamy allegation.  Wait...Martin got married in Las Vegas but didn't think it was real?  Oh, that's gonna hold up in court.

3/20/00 - Ben Davis (Druids)
As reported by Baseball America, the Padres have considered trading Ben Davis recently, Tony Gwynn had to confront him at one point late last season, and after being traded to the Braves Wally Joyner noted "Ben Davis is going to be a problem for the Padres."  Apparently Davis pouted when he found himself not playing every day.  There was even one incident when he refused to catch in the bull-pen  According to Davis, "...I was just so frustrated at the time that I didn't give a <bleep>...I was frustrated with my playing time, and they asked me to catch bullpen.  I said no.  I told them I'm not here to catch bullpens.  That upset them a little bit."  What a dick - hell, I'll catch in their bull-pen if he's too busy.   Cha-ching. 

3/14/00 - Pedro Astacio (Gerryatrics)
It's a simple rule, really. If you come to this country and commit a crime, then you'll get kicked out of the country. So it shouldn't have surprised anyone when the Immigration and Naturalization Service announced that they plan to deport the Rockies pitcher. After all, Astacio, who is not a U.S. citizen, pleaded guilty to third-degree assault in January for punching his estranged wife. "As the facts stand now, the government is saying that Mr. Astacio is deportable in virtue of the domestic violence offense, and we will pursue that," INS District Director Joe Greene said. "I live in Colorado too, and I root for the Rockies like everybody else. But the law is very clear on this. These actions were brought about by the individual that we are citing here, and we have to go forward." Astacio's lawyers, of course, are arguing that he is the victim here, and that when he was offered a deferred sentence in return for his guilty plea, he didn't know it could get him deported. But you'd think his lawyers would have mentioned it. Besides, Astacio made his own bed by beating his wife in the first place. Chin up, Pedro--there's always the Mexican League. Cha-ching. 

03/11/00 - Paul Rosa (Rosas from the Dirt)
Quote from the waitress at the Peanut Bar to Paul, "Did you just eat that peanut with the shell?!"  Yes, high in fiber content and in an effort to stay regular, Paul has been eating the peanuts WITH the shells for his entire life.  Further proof that Paul is nuts.  Ba-dump-dump-chsss-Cha-ching. 

03/06/00 - Jeff Bagwell (Perkolators) Damn, is THAT ugly.  Cha-ching.

02/25/00 - Dan Miceli (Baseball Caps)
Initially I was going to let this slide, but a few things added up to a quarter for me.  (1), I got an email from Mike asking me to investigate this story as a Cone Tariff and Mike OWNS Danny Miceli, (2) Miceli's original excuse for needing stitches on his pitching hand was that he got in a fight at a bar over things a group of guys were saying about his wife - why bring the wife into this?  What is Miceli really admitting about his wife here? - she's so ugly that guys in bars would torment her.  And (3) OK, it was his BROTHER who actually attacked him early in the morning and slashed his hand with a knife, but I have to assume some of that stupidity runs in the family, and is worth at least 8.33333 cents of a Cone Tariff.

 02/24/00 - Al Martin (Rosas from the Dirt)
Despite Tony Gwynn's comments to the contrary (what is with Gwynn being negative about everything all of a sudden?), Padres' officials think they have solved their leadoff problem by acquiring Al Martin. Martin had a .337 on-base percentage last year, quite substandard for a leadoff hitter.  Said Martin in response to negative comments about his low OBP:  "I try to set the tone by being aggressive and getting on base ... not on-base percentage."  What?  My goal is to get on base a lot, not to have a high on-base percentage?  Hello?  Aren't they the same thing?  New rule for Padres players: to be a part of the team, you have to contradict yourself daily.  And if you can do it in the same breath, you can bat at the top of the order.  Cha-ching.

02/22/00 - Rickey Henderson (Butch & Moans)
Rickey Henderson, reporting a day after the rest of the New York Mets, was "furious" manager Bobby Valentine removed him from a playoff game last year and wants changes made.  Well, isn't that nice.  "We will definitely sit down and figure out my role. My role can't be the way it was last year. I didn't come here for that role," Henderson said.  What?  Exactly what role would that be, Rickey?  You got OVER 500 plate appearances last year, for God's sake.  You're 40 years old and Melvin Mora plays better D than you at this point in your career - deal with it.  When is this selfish bastard going to retire and put all of us out of the misery of listening to him be an ass every year? Cha-ching.

02/12/00 - Tony Gwynn (Golden Gabes)
You gotta love Tony Gwynn, one of the classiest guys in baseball, but even classy guys say stupid things every now and then. Apparently, all of a sudden, Tony decided he deserves a contract extension and a big raise, "Heck, you get right down to the brass tacks, I carried this organization for a long time, but you never hear me say it, you never hear me toot my own horn." Ummmmm, but, Tony, you just tooted away full steam ahead in the same sentence that you said you never toot-toot. Not a big deal, but worth a quarter. Cha-ching.

01/28/00 - Pedro Astacio (Gerryatrics)
Colorado right-hander Pedro Astacio pleaded guilty to an assault charge but will avoid jail if he stays out of trouble for two years.  Astacio was given a two-year deferred judgment after pleaded guilty Thursday to a misdemeanor charge of third-degree assault involving domestic violence. He was ordered to undergo domestic violence counseling and treatment.  He will be supervised by probation officers until 2002.  Astacio was arrested in August after punching his estranged wife during an argument at their suburban home.  Cha-Ching.

01/16/00 - John Rocker (Butch & Moans)
Atlanta Braves first baseman Randall Simon he knows John Rocker was talking about him when he described a teammate as a "fat monkey" in a Sports Illustrated interview. And he says Rocker's explanation of the comment as merely clubhouse humor is a lie.  "I swear to you if he said that to my face I'd tear him up, and one of us would be suspended right now," Simon said Saturday in an interview with Morris News Service. "When I joke, I don't try to make somebody feel bad. He knows, too. We don't joke like that.  He knows we've never had a relationship like that.  He has no relationships with the black guys or the Latin guys on the team. He's lying to try and cover himself. He has a lot of guts to say that."  "I'm the only one on the team who's Latin and black," said Simon,  "I know for a fact he's talking about me. It's going to be tough for me when I see him."  Rocker explained the "fat monkey" comment to ESPN's Peter Gammons by saying, "I've said it to his face in the past. And he'll fire with this, that or the other and we'll laugh about it. I let a reporter in on an aspect of clubhouse humor and he took it literally."  Simon said that explanation was a lie.  "Anybody can say things and then say, 'I'm sorry,"' he said. "It doesn't mean he's sorry. I know he's apologizing right now to get himself right. He's scared, and he's going to do things to make himself feel better and look better."  Rocker publicly blamed Simon late last season for a botched play at first base that cost the Braves a win.  "Rocker has made comments before about me.  What he said he says now was a mistake. It wasn't a mistake. How can you still have anger about something two months after the season ended? It's not just one thing he said, he said a whole bunch of things. My mom and girlfriend say, 'Let it go,' but it's hard to let it go."  One belated cha-ching for publicly blaming another player for a botched play, one cha-ching for calling that player a "Fat Monkey", and a third cha-ching for lying about it later.

Butch's response to this:  "How do you know Simon isn't lying, you fat monkey!"

01/11/00 - Adrian Beltre (Malcontents)
Protecting the rights of the little guy, that's what the union is all about. Poor, mistreated players like Adrian Beltre, who was ruthlessly taken advantage of when the Dodgers gave the then-15-year-old prospect a measly $23,000 bonus. The Players Association filed a grievance against commissioner Bud Selig on Monday in an attempt to get Beltre declared a free agent. Of course, Beltre said a couple of weeks ago that "my first point is not to be a free agent. My first point is to get my age right." But why trifle with details when what's really important here is...well...what is important here, anyway? The union insists that their concern is that the rules be upheld. "The failure to declare Beltre a free agent represents a rule change in violation of the basic agreement," Gene Orza, the union's No. 2 guy, said. But there's nothing in the basic agreement that says every player who was signed underage must be granted free agency no matter how long it takes for them to get around to complaining. Selig decided last month not to free the Dodgers third baseman because Beltre made his claim for free agency too late under baseball's rules. As we were saying, why trifle with details when what's really important here is money? The union can claim to be protecting Beltre's rights, but who's to say that $23,000 isn't the going rate for 15-year-old prospects? They can claim to be protecting Beltre's interests, but he said himself that he's not concerned with becoming a free agent. They can claim to be protecting rules violations, but there's no rule against what Selig did. The real motivation here is that if Beltre is granted free agency, it opens the door for every foreign-born prospect who signed under legal age (and there are most likely dozens, if not more) to be granted that same free agency, which means they all start making millions before they're even eligible for arbitration. By the time this is over, Beltre will probably be eligible for free agency legitimately.  The whole topic annoys me and not just because he's my player.  Cha-ching.

 12/23/99 - Derek Bell (Zalegowski & Strauss)
Said Derek Bell after his traded to the Mets:  "Christmas came early for me," he said. "I'm very happy and so excited. The first thing that comes to my mind is I have a chance to be in the World Series. In this big old lineup I'm in, I'm the small guy."  Ummm, Derek?  Hate to break the news to you, but the Astros won the division the last three seasons and should do it again - the Mets still need to overcome the Braves which doesn't seem likely.  And you were the "small guy" in Houston to.  Last time I checked, batting .236 with only 12 home runs doesn't exactly make you the "go to" guy on many teams.  Cha-ching.

 12/22/99 - John Rocker (Butch & Moans)
It was a cute diversion when Atlanta closer John Rocker slammed New York Mets fans during the playoffs.  In fact, I even considered giving the guy the benefit of the doubt.  Yes, what he said during the play-offs was stupid, but after it was over he claimed it was merely a way of getting himself pumped up.  That's a little deranged, but whatever.  Now it's clear that those excuses were total lies.  The play-offs in New York are long over, but Rocker continues to spout off like ignorant ass hole.  Why is John Rocker a closer? So when he strikes out the side, the outfield wall reads "KKK."  In this week's issue of Sports Illustrated, Rocker bashed homosexuals, immigrants, single mothers, and all New Yorkers in general. "Imagine having to take the 7 train to Shea looking like you're in Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids," Rocker said. "It's depressing.  Nowhere else in the country do people spit at you, throw bottles at you, throw quarters at you," he said. But if Rocker keeps making racist and homophobic comments, he'll soon find people doing that to him wherever he goes. But please, John, stop having sex with your siblings for long enough to tell us the worst part about New York. "The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners," he said. "You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?" As if the Rocker family came over on the Santa Maria. Hey, John, you forgot blacks and Jews. Thank goodness Rocker plays for the all-white Braves.  How will this sit with Bruce Chen, Andres Galarraga, Javy Lopez, Eddie Perez, and Odalis Perez?  Funny, he didn't seem to mind foreigners when teammate and Curacao native Andruw Jones walked to force in the winning run in Game 6 of the NLCS.  Wow, what an idiot.  Double Cha-ching for this brain fart.

I read a story on the internet which urged every one to call and write to the Braves to express your disgust at Rocker's comments and at his continued employment with the team.  If you're so inclined:

Cara Maglione
Director of Community Relations and Fan Development
Turner Field
P.O. Box 4064
Atlanta, Georgia 30302
(404) 522-7630

 12/17/99 - Larry Walker (Golden Gabes)
Colorado right fielder Larry Walker is scheduled to meet with owner Jerry McMorris, possibly as soon as today, to vent over being singled out as the reason for higher ticket prices.  In a letter sent to Rockie season ticket-holders a few weeks back, the club listed three reasons for raising premium ducats in the wake of a last-place season.  They included: baseball's dizzying economics, Walker's six-year, $75-million contract signed during spring training and the club's expanded scouting effort in the Pacific Rim (which recently led to the signing of 18-year-old phenom pitcher Tsao Chin-Hui).  Walker's feelings were hurt, so much so that he was quoted as saying that McMorris should give money back to the fans.  Walker's stance would make more sense if this ticket issue was a revelation.  But McMorris informed the media when Walker signed the largest contract in club history that $3.28 of every ticket -- if all home games were sold out -- would go toward paying the All-Star's contract.  What makes Walker's whining interesting is that so much is being expected of him this season. For the first time, the club will demand that Walker become a clubhouse leader, what with Dante Bichette and Vinny Castilla now toiling in new ZIP codes.  This will certainly be new territory for the Canadian, who has been viewed as a hypocrite by some of his former teammates.  They saw Walker rant about wanting to win a World Series, yet he would show up out of shape. They saw him complain about the team's chemistry, yet he set a horrible example by missing countless games and nearly every batting practice session.  As one former member of the organization said, "he turned our schedule into his own daybook. He would only play when he wanted to."  Cha-ching.

12/07/99 - Mark Grudzielanek (Rosas from the Dirt)
How 'bout a nice Hawaiian punch? The Dodgers shortstop was arrested for assault Tuesday for allegedly punching a bouncer at a bar in Hawaii. According to police, Grudzielanek was hanging out with his massive ego in a bar called Moose McGillycuddy's late Tuesday night when a bouncer asked him to leave. For some reason, Grudzielanek then allegedly punched the bouncer several times in the face, opening a 2-inch cut over his left eye. He was charged with misdemeanor third-degree assault and released early Wednesday morning after posting $200 bail. It looks like it won't be a white Christmas for Grudzielanek, who has to appear in court in Hawaii on December 22. Grudzielanek's agent insisted that there is no merit to the charges, of course, and says he expects the charges to be dismissed so that Grudz can go back to whining about his contract and his playing time.  Cha-ching.

12/03/99 - Bobby Bonilla (Golden Gabes)
Usually, I'm the one announcing who the Jerks are. But the Mets' richest bench-warmer made it easy this week when he announced that he plans to be a Jerk. Believe it or not, Baby Bonilla spent some quality time at his annual charity bowling party to warn the Mets that if he doesn't get more playing time in 2000 then he's going to go out of his way to be even more of a pain in the ass than he was in 1999. That's not going to be easy, because this year he argued publicly with manager Bobby Valentine on more than one occasion, and spent the last few innings of Game 6 of the NLCS in the clubhouse playing cards. Nonetheless, Bonilla says there will be "fireworks" if he's not kept happy. And speaking of playing cards... "You know when you open up a new deck of cards and you get two jokers?" Bonilla said. "You can decide to play with them or discard them. I think I'm one of those jokers."  What?  What a dick.  "I quietly had a year taken away from me last year," he says. Who does this idiot think he's kidding? Bonilla deserved every second that he had to spend riding pine in 1999.  If he can cash a major-league paycheck in 2000, more power to him.  Cha-ching.