ASL Standings

Altered States League
Final Stats and Standings 1985 thru 2020
plus various Newsletters & League Info

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2023 ASL Summary
Drew Gallagher, 10/04/23

It remains to be seen if 2023 will truly go down as one for the Birds, but it does go down as one for the Yardbirds who waited to win their first championship until the prize pool (the largest in the 39-year history of the ASL) was enough for them to pay attention. Some might argue that Rick still wasn't paying attention when he traded away Gunner Henderson in a pique of frustration earlier this year, but there is still a flag that will fly above Baltimore in 2023 and it remains to be seen if Gunner will get a championship share (.199, 5 homers, 13 RBI in 146 at bats). Rick also jettisoned Michael A. Taylor who went on to hit 21 home runs on the season. So congrats to the Yardbirds and their $1,143.00 in winnings. He still has J Rod and Gray Rod to build upon in 2024.

On the opposite end of the money spectrum were the Daley Doubles who chose 2023 to finish fifth and miss out on the number 1 pick in the spring. Dale cashed $127 but did not cash Kyle Teel who is unlikley to fall to the 8th pick in the reserve draft.

The race for second place opened up after Shohei shut down for the season and the Question Marks could only limp to a fourth-place finish. $254 and a $72 DH for 2024.

I did not follow the final day movements in the standings (9th place and an NFL slate will tend to do that) but it appears that the Chicken and Bombers were jousting up until the final game and ended in a tie which means they will split the second and third place money ($1,016.00--$508 each). Once upon a time we would have decided the tie by determining which team won the most categories and then they would be the second-place winner. Well, that would have meant...they tied. They each were better than the other in five categories. Glad we don't have that coming down to a $250.00 coin flip.

After the draft, the toy box had the Slickers winning it all and had the Drewers in second. Fuck you toy box! Hard to believe that Aaron Judge, Mike Trout, Byron Buxton and Josh Donaldson could not hold up for an entire season.

More to follow during the offseason from Matt on possible draft location for our 40th anniversary.

You are now free to offer up players for Eric's first round pick which is 7th overall. One before Dale.

I will try to get checks out in the next few days so please email me your addresses and if you'd like a check or Paypal deposit. That is of course if I don't get fired for going to a fantasy baseball site on my work computer because the email distribution list is no longer a thing. (To the guy monitoring my IT usage during the workday--I'm taking PTO while I type this email and I swear Googling Kate Upton's Cat Daddy dance was only because her husband had been traded.)

	Final 2023 Standings
		Avg	Runs	HR	RBI	SB	W	S+H	K	ERA	Ratio
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	92.5	.2542 9	889 7.5	222 7	903 9	119 5	102 12	171 11	1759 11	3.59 12	1.207 12
The Chicken Mike Drago	87.5	.2586 12	865 6	233 6	833 7	147 9	85 8.5	174 12	1282 7	3.99 9	1.245 11
Bombers Mark Martin	87.5	.2474 7	992 12	248 10	907 10	128 7	100 10.5	133 4	1790 12	4.19 6	1.266 9
Question Marks Mark Bennett	87	.2564 10	951 10	260 11	913 11	154 10	80 6	165 10	1225 3	4.11 8	1.270 8
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	86	.2586 11	889 7.5	285 12	990 12	127 6	85 8.5	153 7	1265 5	3.94 10	1.274 7
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	79.5	.2404 3	966 11	247 9	888 8	179 12	100 10.5	159 8	1508 10	4.20 5	1.299 3
Bohicas Dave Woodley	74	.2445 6	894 9	242 8	824 6	101 4	83 7	160 9	1350 8	3.88 11	1.285 6
City Slickers Marty Slickers	58	.2520 8	792 4	224 5	806 5	146 8	77 5	91 3	1281 6	4.32 4	1.258 10
Drewers Drew Gallagher	49	.2383 1	838 5	238 7	740 4	155 11	69 3	140 6	1063 1	4.12 7	1.292 4
K2 Ken Axe/Ken Belluch	31	.2425 4	692 2	188 3	635 1	87 3	76 4	52 1	1474 9	4.65 2	1.305 2
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	26	.2384 2	662 1	151 1	662 2	86 2	58 1	136 5	1252 4	4.52 3	1.287 5
Weis Guys Eric Weis	22	.2438 5	723 3	184 2	711 3	82 1	59 2	54 2	1110 2	4.68 1	1.353 1

2022 ASL Summary
Drew Gallagher, 10/13/22

It's not as though he didn't warn us about what was going to happen. When you hear the theme music to JAWS you don't start splashing around and swim deeper while opening new flesh wounds on your extremities. When you see the call to the bullpen and it's Zach Eflin who emerges you don't stop drinking...you reach for the brown liquor. When a team names itself BOHICA there should be an inherent understanding that you grab your ankles and hope he uses lube. Not sure he bothered with the lube when he made Rick his jail wife in the Adley trade, but I'm sure Rick will be getting a Christmas card from the Woodley family and his new cornerstone catcher and BFF. Consensual sodomy, however, is legal in the ASL so for his efforts Dave cashes $1,138.50. (The pool of winnings was $2,532.00 but I made it $2,530.00 for me having to do math.)

Chris gets $160,022.50 for finishing second with quite possibly the worst offense known to man. (And yes, that figure is what came up on my phone calculator moments ago.) It's actually $632.50.

Rick did not fall completely off the map and still has J-Rod to build around along with a bevy of other Oriole prospects that he has vowed to only trade for four middle relievers next year. Rick gets $379.50.

The Chicken faces an offseason of "what ifs" after he led for most of the season only to finish in the worst spot of all...fourth. You don't get the first overall pick and you're left to wonder how Rick beat you by half a point after trading away the best players in baseball. The Chicken gets $253.20 which he'll put toward hiring a new trainer so Bobby Witt, Jr. can stay on the field. (For those of you interested in ASL history--Kid Witt's father was a mainstay in the Drewer rotation for many years. That was before strikeouts counted but apparently WHIP did count which I failed to factor into his 12-win seasons. In fairness though, that was before I could drink legally and I never went beyond Pre-Calculus in high school.) One bright spot for the Chicken is that he gets to watch Bobby Dalbec sign with a Japanese team this offseason and feel like the lone sailor who got off the Titanic in Ireland. And dammit, that door was big enough for Kate and Leo!

In the coveted Jackson Holliday spot, we find the Question Marks winning $126.50 but also the rights to the next Kid Rip. In the last 72 hours of the season, I had overtaken Mark for 5th place but then Aroldis Chapman's infection cleared up and the Yankees wanted to see if he could ever throw a strike again for 10 batters in a row. The answer was a resounding "NO" which led to the Yankees to having Aroldis come north to throw mandatory batting practice before the playoffs and he declined. He and Bobby Bombs can sit next to each other on the flight to Hanshin.

As we head into the offseason (Go Phils...Go Steven Kwans...Go Robbie Ray is a starter for a reason...Go Padres less Eric Hosmer which is math that usually translates to victory), head over to Draft Kings or whichever preferred online wagering site you use to further erode your marriage and put a couple of shekels on next year's AL home run champion. It is as solid a lock as Bobby Dalbec being left off the Red Sox 40-man roster--Spencer Torkelson will be your 2023 AL home run champion. How is this a certainty you might ask? It's because I traded him to the Bombers. Any year the Bombers finish out of the money the punishment is swift and takes the form of prime Rob Deer. If only a few of Josh Donaldson's home run trots in the second half would have been actual home runs I too might be sipping the sweet nectar of Yoo-Hoo and naming my next son Jackson Holliday Gallagher. Of course that would require a willing mistress and a lifestyle rarely afforded on a claims adjuster's sala!
ry.

Dodge will update the rosters shortly and the trading can begin promptly. I tried this last year and got no takers--anyone interested in Jose Urquidy?

And those of you who cashed, please send your addresses because my work computer was recently confiscated after a bust at a local massage parlor. I assure you that your addresses were not stored in a folder titled "Jiffy Jerk" but just to be safe I did a double delete on the folder so I'm sure all is good.

Drewer

	Final 2022 Standings
		Avg	Runs	HR	RBI	SB	W	S+H	K	ERA	Ratio
Bohicas Dave Woodley	92	.2475 8	845 9	221 11	830 10	108 8	96 12	127 3	1457 9	3.09 12	1.157 10
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	88.5	.2468 6	844 8	244 12	847 12	117 9	95 10.5	163 10	1500 11	3.75 7	1.261 3
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	83	.2606 12	851 10	213 9	761 4	123 11	82 6	133 6	1228 5	3.46 9	1.138 11
The Chicken Mike Drago	82.5	.2478 9	785 5.5	195 4	798 8	85 6	84 7	189 12	1415 8	3.32 11	1.134 12
Question Marks Mark Bennett	78	.2468 7	859 11	205 7	835 11	122 10	73 3	169 11	1013 2	3.46 10	1.237 6
Bombers Mark Martin	73.5	.2480 7	785 5.5	206 8	789 7	79 4	78 5	144 8	1471 10	3.73 8	1.214 8
Drewers Drew Gallagher	70	.2467 5	875 12	204 6	781 6	124 12	93 9	135 7	1350 7	3.95 5	1.284 1
K2 Ken Axe/Ken Belluch	56	.2378 3	831 7	196 5	767 5	105 7	87 8	162 9	1315 6	3.95 4	1.282 2
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	51.5	.2413 4	778 4	219 10	805 9	52 1	74 4	86 1	1112 4	3.88 6	1.211 9
Weis Guys Eric Weis	46	.2285 1	690 3	182 2.5	658 3	74 3	95 10.5	131 4	1527 12	3.99 3	1.259 4
City Slickers Marty Slickers	30.5	.2512 11	672 2	182 2.5	644 2	84 5	56 2	132 5	927 1	4.06 0*	1.250 0*
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	21	.2377 2	654 1	129 1	585 1	68 2	54 1	115 2	1056 3	4.09 1	1.217 7

	Final 2021 Standings
		Avg	Runs	HR	RBI	SB	W	S+H	K	ERA	Ratio
Bohicas Dave Woodley	94	.2419 3	930 8	299 11	924 10	117 12	103 12	161 11	1374 10	3.97 9	1.245 8
The Chicken Mike Drago	92	.2473 5	931 9	285 9	881 8	71 3	89 10	169 12	1483 12	3.58 12	1.207 12
City Slickers Marty Slickers	88.5	.2514 9	1001 11	324 12	933 11	105 11	74 4.5	123 7	1340 9	4.15 5	1.219 9
Question Marks Mark Bennett	77	.2649 12	1011 12	296 10	1003 12	91 6	83 7	135 9	1178 5	4.48 2	1.325 2
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	77	.2492 7	889 5	226 7	822 5	97 8	84 8	125 8	1315 8	3.81 11	1.209 10
Drewers Drew Gallagher	72	.2613 11	903 6	219 5	837 7	83 5	98 11	104 4	1401 11	3.99 8	1.296 4
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	63.5	.2457 4	942 10	247 8	899 9	81 4	74 4.5	114 6	1296 7	4.14 6	1.286 5
Bombers Mark Martin	59	.2482 6	910 7	223 6	823 6	94 7	80 6	76 1	1155 4	3.91 10	1.252 6
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	56	.2415 2	815 4	211 3	750 4	101 9	71 3	141 10	1114 3	4.10 7	1.208 11
Weis Guys Eric Weis	40	.2273 1	702 3	213 4	736 3	104 10	85 9	84 2	1258 6	4.70 1	1.334 1
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	31	.2494 8	547 1	136 1	562 1	65 2	60 2	111 5	1086 1	4.42 3	1.252 7
Axemen Ken Axe	30	.2527 10	681 2	180 2	660 2	50 1	57 1	93 3	1093 2	4.35 4	1.306 3

The Reign of Terror Continues
Drew Gallagher, 9/28/20

So I�m admittedly sick of congratulating the Bombers and sending him checks so I�m going to bemoan my second place finish (he hit five homers on the last freakin� day of the season) and find positive in the fact that we were at least able to have a season in 2020�maybe the worst overall year since the founding of the ASL in 1985. In poring over the 36 years of standings (available at www.yourpalchrismal.com) I found an interesting anomaly as it relates to my team. The Drewers are the only team that has participated for all 36 years of the ASL and, subsequently, likely hold the record for most last place finishes in the history of the league. In short, I�m apparently not very good at this but I did find that starting in 1990 it appears that my team does cash in all years that end in a zero. Starting in 1990 (second place finish to the Chicken), I have cashed in 2000 (my lone championship�thank you Mark McLemore for that steal on the final day of the season), 2010 and now 2020. This was really an encouraging development and allows the organization to focus its efforts on the 10-year plan with an eye toward 2030. So trading Jared Kelenic, Austin Hays and Jeter Downs to finish second doesn�t sting as much when one recognizes that by 2030 there is a chance that all three of those players will be out of baseball and would not have contributed to our 10-year plan. In fact, some of the cornerstones of that 2030 Drewer team are likely still playing Little League!

One thing that the Bombers seem to excel at is taking players I release and drafting them for cheaper salaries and just in time for them to be good. He did this when I released Hunter Dozier ($8 salary with me�5 with the Bombers) last year and then did it again with Kyle Lewis ($11 salary with me�1 with Bombers) this year. I could have kept Kyle Lewis except for the fact that I preferred Josh James and his 5.52 ERA and WHIP of 1.705. But give Mark Martin credit where credit is due�he spins straw into Trevor Rosenthal and picks up Shane Bieber with FAAB money. So a tip of the cap to the Bombers and, when he�s not looking, a finger used to increase spin rates on curveballs.

I would like to take a moment and thank Teoscar Hernandez for a tremendous season and a nod to the Bohicas who sent him my way. I guess I should have extended him, kind of like Chris and Luke Voit. They�ll both probably be Bombers next season. Looks like Bregman and Devers enter the draft for the first time in years as well. The Chicken has a lot of cheap keepers�I can visualize an in-person draft at Trooper Thorn�s already!

If you have any questions for the Winter Survey please send them to Matt. I have one but it�s more of a lets all come together and allow this to happen. Some of you may have read that Alex Gordon is retiring. Alex Gordon probably gets consideration for Malignancies Mount Rushmore. As long as no one is opposed to it, I say we allow Chris to keep Alex Gordon at $9 (and he can extend him if the likes) just so he does not have to part with him. He would count against his salary cap and his keepers but it would help a friend out.

Be safe my friends.

	Final 2020 Standings
		Avg	Runs	HR	RBI	SB	W	S+H	K	ERA	Ratio
Bombers Mark Martin	99	.2455 5	371 12	93 9	327 10	42 8	33 3	65 11	584 12	3.37 12	1.187 11
Drewers Drew Gallagher	95.5	.2727 12	343 10	88 5.5	333 11	47 11	35 10	55 8	563 11	3.88 9	1.253 8
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	91.5	.2525 9	311 7	102 11	299 4.5	42 8	39 12	56 9	512 8	3.67 11	1.182 12
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	90	.2552 10	345 11	114 12	362 12	42 8	28 5	57 10	329 2	3.73 10	1.195 10
Weis Guys Eric Weis	78	.2475 7	335 9	93 9	307 8	49 12	36 11	48 6	560 10	4.42 3	1.314 3
Bohicas Dave Woodley	69	.2232 2	316 8	87 4	312 9	33 5	32 8	69 12	500 7	4.12 7	1.262 7
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	48.5	.2608 11	291 3	82 2	300 6	22 3	30 6.5	47 5	429 5	4.88 1	1.272 6
Axemen Ken Axe	47.5	.2219 1	298 5	93 9	294 3	19 2	30 6.5	21 2	550 9	4.19 6	1.302 4
Question Marks Mark Bennett	41	.2470 6	307 6	85 3	305 7	32 4	22 3	39 3	443 6	4.52 2	1.356 1
City Slickers Marty Slickers	34	.2509 8	264 2	61 1	220 1	43 10	20 2	51 7	362 3	3.96 0*	1.288 0*
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	33	.2390 4	295 4	88 5.5	299 4.5	37 6	25 4	15 1	365 4	4.41 0*	1.244 0*
The Chicken Mike Drago	20	.2309 3	262 1	89 7	290 2	15 1	16 1	44 4	256 1	4.31 0*	1.347 0*

End of Season #35
Drew Gallagher, 9/30/19

As you will notice, I have combined the end of year missive for both the ASL and ESL. To some degree out of laziness but to a greater degree because writing about fantasy baseball with the passing of my father so fresh is painful and difficult. I do not want to minimize what The Bombers and Rick achieved (well, I am getting a little sick of the Bombers) but this year I�m going to forego the customary season in review and share with you why fantasy baseball is so connected to my father. (It is a story that many of you have heard before so you can skip it as you see fit.)

It had to be in February or March of 1985 that my Dad came home from work and had a green book that he thought I might be interested in. It was the original book of rotisserie baseball that Drago had told him about. I was sitting on my bed when Dad came into my room and gave me the book. I sat there in my room for the rest of the evening reading about this magical game of rotisserie baseball. I already knew Drago because we had been playing pickup football together for a few years and he had asked my father if I might be interested in joining a league that he was forming with a few friends from college and a few colleagues from the paper. I do not remember the entrance fee but I do know that my father footed that entrance fee for the first few years of the ASL. I was only 15 years old at that first draft (younger than my son is now) so Dad drove me to the draft at Drago�s apartment. No one knew exactly what to expect from a rotisserie draft in 1985 and I do not know if my father had intended to run into the newspaper office to work while we drafted but someone recognized that an auction draft needed an auctioneer and my father filled that role on that day. It was a role he filled for over 30 years. There was a lot of father-son bonding that went on in those car rides to and from the draft and they trigger a lot of fond memories for me. One offshoot from memories with my father was going to a Reading Phillies game with him and they were playing the Canton-Akron Indians which had to be in 1982 or 1983. The Indians had a stud shortstop named Pat Tabler and after the game when Tabler was jogging off the field my father called to him and asked him to sign a foul ball he had caught during that game. I still have that autographed ball and Pat Tabler cost me $1 in the first rotisserie auction and was one of my few keepers for the 1986 team. (It took me a little while to catch onto the nuances of fantasy baseball and some would argue, convincingly, that I am still trying to catch onto the nuances of it.) Fantasy baseball was magic to my 15-year old world and a few months later I talked to some friends in our neighborhood about it (Chris Malinowski, Robbie Miller and Mike Capilo among them) and we decided to form the Eternal Squabblers League at the all-star break. Having two rotisserie leagues that have run for 35 years consecutively is, I think, pretty special and unique.

Many years ago, my father joined the ESL and drafting against your father presented a different dynamic to the draft. It�s hard to swear at the man who gave you life just because he outbid you for Brandon Nimmo when his wife is a staunch Mets fan. We have drafted the ESL at my parents� house for over 30 years and it is going to be difficult to walk in next spring and not have my Dad there and not have him drafting against me. I think we had hoped that one day my son too would join the league and we�d have three generations of Gallagher competing against one another. My father finished 9th in the ESL this year and I finished 10th. Somehow that seems fitting and memorable to me.

My father was a huge Phillies fan and someone on local TV joked that Dad had been sick for a little while (they termed it �out on assignment�) but what may have finally killed him was this Phillies season. When I was a substitute batboy for the Reading Phillies my Dad had the Eagle photographer take a picture of me outside the dugout when Reading was playing the big club. Mike Schmidt is stretching in the background of the photo and years later Drago had Schmidt sign the photo for me. It is still on my parents wall at home.

A number of you have reached out with your condolences and I do appreciate that. Right now, fantasy baseball is a bittersweet memory of the man who raised me, coached me, and ultimately led me to fantasy baseball and the dozens of friendships that have arisen out of playing and the number that have been cemented and strengthened through this silly little game.

Truthfully, I don�t know that I�ll get your checks to you this week, but I promise that I will get them out shortly and before Scott Winterburn would have paid you. My father enjoyed seeing many of you even if it was only once a year. He enjoyed the camaraderie and seeing a room full of grown men participating in a game that was born of the game of baseball that he so loved.

	Final 2019 Standings
		Avg	Runs	HR	RBI	SB	W	S+H	K	ERA	Ratio
Bombers Mark Martin	92.5	.2541 6	1001 9	285 8.5	938 10	80 7	114 11	145 6	1871 12	3.96 12	1.193 11
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	89	.2581 8	1035 12	335 12	1097 12	73 5	122 12	110 5	1713 10	4.28 7	1.318 6
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	87.5	.2559 7	1027 11	312 11	970 11	118 10	63 4.5	149 7	1246 6	4.13 10	1.241 10
Bohicas Dave Woodley	83.5	.2536 4	930 8	285 8.5	923 9	108 9	89 9	160 10	1425 9	4.14 9	1.295 8
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	78	.2532 3	902 6	253 4	835 4	119 11	82 8	174 12	1247 7	3.98 11	1.189 12
The Chicken Mike Drago	77	.2584 10	1020 10	311 10	899 7	62 3	71 7	172 11	1299 8	4.38 6	1.332 5
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	67.5	.2636 12	894 5	273 5	891 6	65 4	63 4.5	158 9	1150 5	4.27 8	1.251 9
Weis Guys Eric Weis	66	.2539 5	909 7	283 7	913 8	77 6	104 10	150 8	1744 11	4.64 2	1.361 2
Drewers Drew Gallagher	39	.2582 9	864 4	241 3	776 3	130 12	57 3	97 3	900 2	4.55 0	1.371 0
Axemen Ken Axe	32	.2526 1	822 2	280 6	853 5	41 1	69 6	86 2	1126 4	4.70 1	1.352 4
City Slickers Marty Slickers	32	.2615 11	828 3	230 2	772 2	96 8	44 2	85 1	1038 3	4.53 0	1.357 0
Question Marks Mark Bennett	13	.2530 2	601 1	152 1	534 1	58 2	39 1	105 4	683 1	4.39 0	1.303 0

Bombers Win...Again
Drew Gallagher, 10/01/18

I was tempted to recycle my season-ending summary from last year since Mark and Mark finished one and two in 2017 as they did this season. I am also tempted to refer to the Bombers as Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch or something more befitting a four-time champion in the ASL. For those of you playing at home, that�s four championships in six seasons. There was the one year �rebuild� and then a third-place finish thrown in there just to show some modesty. (We interrupt this summary to reflect on the fact that if anything ever happens to www.yourpalchrismal.com we will lose 34 years of ASL history. Chris probably should have kept hard copies of calendars instead of a web site in case any of us are called to testify before Congress. And I know that about 34 years ago I drafted Brook Jacoby and Pat Tabler for $1 each. Did not sexually assault anyone either.)

My brother is now a Ukrainian citizen so I sent the prize money to him for safekeeping (banks pay 10% interest on savings accounts!). As soon as I get the money and exchange the hryvnia for dollars I�ll send out the checks to the winners. Scott Winterburn has assured me he can help should I run into any problems with the currency exchange or the Ukrainian banks collapsing because they pay 10% interest on savings accounts.

With consecutive second place finishes by The Question Marks, it appears that Benintendi and Judge are more valuable than a solo Trout. Blake Snell doesn�t hurt either. Props to Dodge for actually giving something of value when the Question Marks dumped a few years ago.

By finishing fifth, Chris gets the number one reserve pick. At the time, it appeared his trading of Miguel Andujar might have been folly, but with Andujar instead of, say, Alex Gordon, he might have caught Dale for 4th place and not gotten the number one pick. Savvy move. (And I recognize that I gave the Bombers Eduardo Rodriguez for Steve Bedrosian�s son [who shall never be anything more than Steve Bedrosian�s son] who certainly helped the spurt for first, but at least ERod remained true to form and was hurt for a substantial portion of the season).

That�s all I have for now. If you do not plan on returning for next season (our 35th) please let us know sooner rather than later so we can replace you with another owner who wins four out of six seasons. As we did this year, we�ll try to work the draft in around Dodge�s vacation schedule.

I believe that my keeper list for 2019 could be the worst I�ve had since, well, since I had a $1 Brook Jacoby and Pat Tabler. And I like beer. I like beer a lot. And there were occasions in college when I drank and woke up in vomit. Not my own vomit mind you, but you can�t really dust for vomit can you? (Anyone who can name the movie I just tried to shoehorn in there can have Charlie Morton�if he signs in the NL.)

Death to holds, and long live Chris Bando and Ron Karkovice!

	Final 2018 Standings
		Avg	Runs	HR	RBI	SB	W	S+H	K	ERA	Ratio
Bombers Mark Martin	103.5	.2600 9	1023 11	285 11.5	1019 12	112 9	91 10	166 10	1535 12	3.69 10	1.225 9
Question Marks Mark Bennett	98	.2598 8	902 8	220 6	815 8	127 11	117 12	183 11	1479 10	3.38 12	1.164 12
Bohicas Dave Woodley	86.5	.2449 4	1040 12	285 11.5	959 11	105 7	96 11	165 9	1490 11	4.13 7	1.326 3
Semi-Colons; Dale Scott	81	.2492 7	904 9	280 10	911 10	110 8	83 7	144 8	1345 6	4.07 8	1.256 8
$8 Alex Gordons Chris Malinowski	73	.2422 3	783 5	201 4	720 3	120 10	89 8	192 12	1461 9	4.00 9	1.224 10
City Slickers Marty Slickers	72	.2645 11	858 7	230 7	766 6	128 12	74 6	99 3	1398 8	4.24 5	1.295 7
Drewers Drew Gallagher	64	.2471 6	779 4	179 2	708 2	88 6	90 9	127 6	1359 7	3.60 11	1.217 11
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	50	.2620 10	905 10	252 9	900 9	73 2	64 3	136 7	970 1	4.27 1	1.352 1
The Chicken Mike Drago	49	.2711 12	697 2	186 3	733 4	87 5	64 3	136 7	1272 4	4.37 4	1.312 5
Axemen Ken Axe	43	.2465 5	853 6	219 5	758 5	65 1	69 4	75 2	1155 3	4.19 6	1.310 6
Weis Guys Eric Weis	40	.2332 1	711 3	243 8	789 7	74 3	72 5	108 4	1315 5	4.65 2	1.326 2
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	20	.2420 2	665 1	161 1	617 1	82 4	53 1	52 1	991 2	4.39 3	1.314 4

33rd Season Is in the Books
Drew Gallagher, 10/02/17

The Altered States League moved to a 5x5, created one of the dopiest categories known to man (I�m looking at you �holds), and is positioned to get rid of the beloved and much maligned second catcher position. None of this has apparently fazed The Bombers as they won another pennant and with quite a bit of ease. It seems like a lifetime ago that Dodge was within striking distance but apparently the run at the leader took a lot of juice out of Matt�s plucky band of Oriole middle relievers as he limped into a 4^th place finish.

The Question Marks finished second, their highest finish ever, and apparently all it took was getting rid of Mike Trout who obviously had been holding his team back for his five-year tenure with the Marks and had no hardware to show for it. Of course having Aaron Judge and Andrew Benintendi fill the void appears to have helped.

The Yardbirds finished third and though it is difficult to pin the final day switch in standings on one player alone, I have to believe that there will be a special place in Rick�s heart for Blake Snell from this point forward. Snell allowed two hits (NO WALKS), no runs while whiffing 13 Orioles who were obviously trying to hit flights out of Baltimore rather than fastballs. The WHIP category was incredibly tight entering the final day of the season and Zilla�s outing for the Question Marks pretty much locked up the second spot.

The battle for 5^th place was interesting until Blake Snell turned into Sandy Koufax and the Bohicas lived up to their team name and anally raped me in the RBI category on the season�s final day. The resulting tie for 6^th place will lead to a coin toss at some point to see if I get the 2^nd reserve pick (likely Willie Calhoun because Jurickson Profar�s spot on my roster has to be filled by someone) or if it goes to the Weis Guys.

I will try to get (winning payments) mailed by Christmas. (Scott Winterburn is supposed to pay me back any day now on an investment he assured me would net 10% between April and now. Just need the Pennsylvania penal system to grant him early release.)

In case it was not abundantly clear, I hate the holds and saves category and would like to see the Chris Bando, Ron Karkovice position stick around. But I suppose there are rules in place to make certain we don�t change those on a whim. Whimsical, however, is not always a bad thing.

If by chance anyone has had enough of funding the Bombers� annual Christmas shopping please let us know that you do not intend to return for 2018. You�ll certainly be missed�kind of like the holds category.

	Final 2017 Standings
		Avg	Runs	HR	RBI	SB	W	S+H	K	ERA	Ratio
Bombers Mark Martin	106	.2651 10	1033 12	295 11	978 11	104 8	94 11	153 9	1616 12	3.79 10	1.209 12
Question Marks Mark Bennett	79	.2543 5	955 9	285 10	941 10	131 11	75 4	118 4	1234 4	3.79 11	1.221 11
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	78	.2657 11	1018 11	255 7	921 9	109 9	74 3	137 6	1258 5	3.90 8	1.228 9
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	73	.2521 4	908 8	279 9	902 7	82 4	84 9	152 8	1322 7	3.90 9	1.244 8
The Chicken Mike Drago	70.5	.2651 9	868 6	222 5	804 6	87 5.5	82 8	165 11	1343 9	4.31 4	1.264 7
Drewers Drew Gallagher	67	.2740 12	764 3	194 2	744 3	111 10	81 7	96 2	1275 6	3.69 12	1.223 10
Weis Guys Eric Weis	67	.2590 7	887 7	267 8	916 8	72 3	79 6	158 10	1363 11	4.54 3	1.327 4
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	61	.2607 8	998 10	335 12	984 12	101 7	71 1	124 5	1169 3	4.56 2	1.403 1
City Slickers Marty Slickers	56	.2489 2	838 5	247 6	754 5	145 12	76 5	139 7	1112 2	4.09 7	1.312 5
Fightin Tumors Chris Malinowski	52.5	.2433 1	751 2	179 1	679 1	87 5.5	89 10	181 12	1330 8	4.21 6	1.298 6
Axemen Ken Axe	50	.2571 6	782 4	200 3	706 2	71 2	98 12	104 3	1362 10	4.23 5	1.347 3
Bohicas Dave Woodley	20	.2498 3	703 1	210 4	746 4	59 1	73 2	75 1	1075 1	4.74 1	1.388 2

How Did the Bombers Not Win?
Drew Gallagher, 10/03/16

Well, another ASL season is in the books and once again proves the adage: �That�s why they play the games.� With most everyone conceding the title to The Bombers in January (before he even stole Big Papi at the draft), it was surprising (shocking?) that he did not go wire to wire. In fact, The Tumors didn�t make any dump trades at the deadline because he felt he could finish third or fourth without dumping and there was no way he was catching The Bombers. Well, pitching counts for half of the stats and apparently The Bombers pitching disappeared over the final few months of the season. Now Chris raising another championship trophy is something we�ve all grown accustomed to, but Dodge finishing in the money (let alone second and ahead of The Bombers) continues to defy logic. Hats off to Polaras yet again.

The debate continues as to if it�s better to finish 4th or 5th given the number one overall pick.

I will try to get to the bank this week and mail the checks by the end of the year�(Sorry, a little Scott Winteburn humor there.)

And I�d like to take a moment to thank the Bohicas for insisting that Yoan Moncada was untouchable. It meant that we had to tamp down our trade a bit at the deadline and through my own foolishness I almost got it hung up on Joaquin Benoit. But the Bohicas persisted, and thus I had to take the Moncada consolation prize�kid by the name of Gary Sanchize. Guess he is worth $14 for 2017!

Please let us know if you do not intend to return for 2017 and let the trading begin. (And for whatever it�s worth, I preferred the old 4x4 to the 5x5.)

	Final 2016 Standings
		Avg	Runs	HR	RBI	SB	W	S+H	K	ERA	Ratio
Fightin Tumors Chris Malinowski	95	.2689 11	951 10	243 8	916 10	127 12	105 12	172 11	1370 8	3.98 10	1.324 10
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	90.5	.2604 7	961 11	276 11	965 12	84 7	93 7.5	138 6	1385 9	4.00 9	1.270 10
Bombers Mark Martin	89	.2665 10	983 12	255 10	922 11	99 8	87 6	188 12	1440 11	4.14 5	1.314 4
The Chicken Mike Drago	85	.2583 7	891 8	240 7	857 9	82 5	95 9	161 9	1449 12	4.01 8	1.258 11
Bohicas Dave Woodley	84.5	.2459 2	877 6.5	288 12	812 6	116 10	96 10	150 8	1396 10	3.87 12	1.294 8
City Slickers Marty Slickers	78.5	.2571 5	894 9	253 9	841 8	77 4	101 11	167 10	1275 6.5	4.01 7	1.279 9
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	64	.2768 12	773 4	225 6	761 4	69 3	56 1.5	65 1	1040 2	4.05 6	1.253 12
Weis Guys Eric Weis	46	.2561 3	773 4	225 6	761 4	69 3	93 7.5	118 4	1275 6.5	4.29 2	1.303 6
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	42	.2442 1	715 3	211 4	763 5	83 6	70 4	146 7	1112 4	4.25 3	1.310 5
Met-Ros Paul Rosa Jack Mitchell	38	.2563 4	595 1	159 1	618 1	27 1	72 5	98 2	1274 5	3.98 11	1.297 7
Question Marks Mark Bennett	37.5	.2623 9	775 5	201 2.5	736 3	112 9	58 3	122 5	873 1	4.59 0*	1.408 0*
Drewers Drew Gallagher	28	.2572 6	686 2	201 2.5	678 2	50 2	56 1.5	110 3	1046 3	4.25 4	1.340 2

Congratulations to The Bombers
Drew Gallagher, 10/06/15

GMy wife often asks me: �Which owners make up the Mount Rushmore of the Altered States League and how are you so good in bed?� (Of course my wife has never asked either of those things, but there is a greater likelihood she�d ask about the ASL than any bedroom prowess.)

Much like the career of Jim Kaat, my own inclusion in any Mount Rushmore conversation would be based solely on longevity, but as the only owner who has participated for all 31 years of the ASL I would reserve a spot for myself despite having won only one championship. (Aaaah, but it was magic Mark McLemore! Magic.) And though the Chicken took a few years off from the ASL, he is the founding father and such a handsome man that it would be folly to absent him from eternity. After that, the dialogue becomes more interesting. I would be partial to Our Pal Chris Mal and not just because of one magical night we shared in a single bed in Plattsburgh, NY.

But there would be plenty of candidates and some of those names would have to include the lovable Reading Wretch (may he rest in peace) whose likeness etched into a mountainside would instantly become one of the great tourist destinations in the USA. (�Grand Canyon? Screw you, Dad, we want to see the unfit bald guy with a beard and a jersey that he can�t button.�) And one of my personal favorites would have to be Matt Dodge because he spins straw into gold just about every season with rosters of seeming detritus and has actually published articles on rotisserie baseball without his wife and kids making fun of him. Plus he has made baby carrots cool again. And many of you don�t know Steve Snyder, but he was the master of the double-fisted bid and his likeness would certainly be a welcome addition to any mountain if it included his signature move set in stone in perpetuity.

Of course there are many other worthy candidates and characters, but one candidate who is quickly emerging is Mark Martin with his second title in only three years of the ASL. All talk of Mount Rushmore is premature at this point for The Bombers (check back in another 31 years), but with a roster seemingly loaded for the next few years one has to wonder how many championships he can string together. And based upon the recent results, the ASL was far from a competitive league prior to the arrival of Martin and Weis. Both are cashing checks like a televangelical ministry. And now Bohicas, with fair warning in his team name, is taking his part in the conga line of money spots.

Checks will be mailed in the not too distant future (I have to find my car title because apparently they will give me money for it) so if you cashed please send me your address. There will be a slight deduction from The Bombers total since I gave him Betances in a �dump� trade. Call it a finder�s fee!

Please let us (Matt, Chicken or myself) know if you do not intend to return and we will weep openly. At this point the Met-Ros need to return if for no other reason than to create Billy Burns controversy at the draft for the third year in a row. Now, at least, people actually might know who the hell Billy Burns is.

Gentlemen, as always, it�s been real and it�s been fun. Looking forward to 2016, but I have to say that holds is a really dumb category. However, Brett Cecil and Junichi Tazawa are available.

	Final 2015 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
Bombers Mark Martin	88	.2660 11	234 11	896 12	118 12	86 9	104 12	3.68 10	1.202 11
Weis Guys Eric Weis	73.5	.2615 9	229 10	839 10.5	86 5	92 11	73 10	3.71 9	1.241 9
Fightin Tumors Chris Malinowski	64	.2488 1	205 6	758 5	96 9	112 12	64 9	3.50 12	1.225 10
Bohicas Dave Woodley	58	.2541 4	207 7	788 7	101 10	89 10	46 7	3.94 7	1.284 6
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	57.5	.2585 7	187 4	839 10.5	67 2	84 7	86 11	3.82 8	1.244 8
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	53	.2733 12	214 8	802 9	104 11	47 1	35 5	4.08 4	1.312 3
City Slickers Marty Slickers	53	.2593 8	192 5	702 2	83 4	85 8	33 3	3.57 11	1.170 12
The Chicken Mike Drago	43	.2519 3	244 12	801 8	60 1	78 5	17 1	3.99 6	1.267 7
Question Marks Mark Bennett	40	.2650 10	222 9	776 6	79 3	70 2	34 4	4.52 1	1.293 5
Drewers Drew Gallagher	34.5	.2574 6	180 3	747 3	93 7	76 3.5	50 8	4.29 2	1.320 2
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	32.5	.2496 2	175 2	752 4	90 6	76 3.5	41 6	4.03 5	1.312 4
Met-Ros Paul Rosa Jack Mitchell	27	.2543 5	127 1	548 1	94 8	82 6	26 2	4.16 3	1.322 1

	Final 2014 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
Bombers Mark Martin	73.5	.2584 6	191 8	841 12	96 6	106 12	62 8.5	3.32 11	1.203 10
Fightin Tumors Chris Malinowski	72	.2445 4	197 9	812 9	131 10	105 11	70 10	3.59 8	1.199 11
Weis Guys Eric Weis	66.5	.2652 10	203 10.5	772 8	122 9	100 10	8 1	3.42 10	1.230 8
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	64.5	.2470 5	178 7	743 6	135 11.5	93 8	71 11	3.59 9	1.236 7
Bohicas Dave Woodley	59.5	.2600 8	146 4	762 7	135 11.5	94 9	45 6	3.78 5	1.218 9
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	58	.2723 12	206 12	828 10	91 5	82 7	60 7	4.13 2	1.318 3
City Slickers Marty Slickers	51.5	.2610 9	152 5	695 5	82 3	74 5.5	73 12	3.72 6	1.239 6
Question Marks Mark Bennett	44.5	.2597 7	203 10.5	834 11	106 7	66 2	29 2	4.07 3	1.329 2
Drewers Drew Gallagher	44	.2426 2	96 1	472 1	63 2	74 5.5	62 8.5	3.20 12	1.180 12
Met-Ros Paul Rosa Jack Mitchell	42	.2683 11	125 2	686 3	111 8	56 1	43 5	3.66 7	1.248 7
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	33	.2442 3	174 6	692 4	90 4	68 4	41 4	3.92 4	1.273 4
The Chicken Mike Drago	15	.2419 1	143 3	646 2	58 1	67 3	37 3	4.26 1	1.381 1

ASL - Year in Summary
Drew Gallagher, 10/03/13

Gentlemen:

The ASL started in 1985 and though some of archives were lost in the Great Drago Apartment Dishwasher Flood, our collective memories cannot recall a time when an owner left 42 dollars on the draft board. As was well documented at the draft and immediately after the draft, Matt Dodge did that very thing this year�and he still freaking won! I have described Matt�s keeper lists often as a so much flotsam and jetsam and yet he continues to confound and cash. So on bended knee, I offer up my heartfelt congratulations and humility to that great bespectacled Red Beard in the sky. The 2013 champion will certainly go down in ASL lore and balladeers and James Taylor will write songs about Jim Johnson.

Chris finished second (yawn) but what was really interesting is that it was game 163 that gave him second place. He and Dale were tied for second after game 162, but with game 163 the Question Marks� Evan Longoria got hot at the plate and the Question Marks passed Dale in batting average and second place was Chris� alone. Dale blames Perk for his third place finish and Perk was quite comfortable with shouldering that blame.

Marty held off the Chicks for fourth, but most importantly the Chick finished ahead of the Drewers. As Michael has oft said, the measure of a season�s success is in beating the Drewers and not necessarily in finishing in the money. However, to quote the late, great Mittl Infielders: �I like my team (for next year)�.

There are a number of offseason decisions/votes to discuss including the innings requirement and at some point Jamie will put forth a survey for everyone to vote upon. In the meantime, Perk has made it abundantly clear that he does not intend to return for 2014 but will be there to help run the draft (not draft Jamie�s team). I know Mark Martin may have a potential owner to fill that spot but if anyone else knows of anyone who might be interested please let us know.

Enjoyed having both of the two new owners in the league this year and Crush Davis turned out to be a Weis first-round selection.

It�s always a fun time of year when my wife writes the checks to the winners and she looks at me with her poorly concealed contempt for losing yet again, but I�ll tell you what I always tell her�Next Year is the Year of the Drewer!

Hope everyone is well and thank you.

Drew Gallagher

	Final 2013 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	68	.2715 12	204 8	936 11	98 7	77 6	87 11	3.72 8	1.303 5
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	67	.2624 8	244 12	944 12	157 10	78 7	64 9	4.06 3	1.301 6
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	66	.2686 10	240 11	914 10	180 12	97 11	42 5	4.05 4	1.337 3
City Slickers Marty Slickers	64.5	.2497 2	217 9	815 9	93 4.5	83 8	68 10	3.66 10	1.218 12
The Chicken Mike Drago	64	.2541 6	193 6	729 6	94 6	92 10	91 12	3.66 9	1.241 9
Question Marks Mark Bennett	57.5	.2690 11	171 5	637 2	93 4.5	71 4	55 8	3.42 12	1.224 10
Weis Guys Eric Weis	55	.2610 7	221 10	790 8	158 11	116 12	28 3	4.30 2	1.355 2
Drewers Drew Gallagher	54.5	.2537 5	195 7	767 7	114 9	61 2.5	51 7	3.87 7	1.229 10
Toilets Jamie Schlesinger	44	.2494 1	153 2	665 4	90 3	89 9	48 6	3.48 11	1.264 8
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	29	.2527 4	167 3.5	607 1	68 1	61 2.5	39 4	3.90 6	1.270 7
Bombers Mark Martin	27.5	.2518 3	167 3.5	656 3	71 2	73 5	24 2	3.98 5	1.319 4
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	27	.2642 9	151 1	692 5	105 8	50 1	5 1	4.02* 1	1.288* 1

Another Title in the Works for the Question Marks? Mike Drago, 3/18/13
According to the Chickens' fearless annual pre-draft power-rating formula, the Question Marks are favored to win the 2013 ASL championship. The Chickens' Power Rating has correctly predicted the past three ASL champions, targeting the Manny Ramirez's in 2012, the Tumors in 2011 and the Questionmarks in 2010 (they tied with Toilets).	Last season, the CPR predicted that the Daley Doubles would finish second . . . which they did. In this year's rankings, the Drewers come in with the second-highest CPR and the Polaras are at No. 3. It should be noted, however, that the Drewers have effectively been able to screw these things up in the past.

New Owners and Draft Day
Drew Gallagher, 2/18/13

Gentlemen:

Through the magnetism of The Chicken and Mr. Dodge, we have added three new owners to the ASL for this season with them filling two vacancies (Perk and Metcalfe) as well as our �12th� open slot so we are heading into our 29th year with a full 12-team league just in time for the Astros. The new owners (in no particular order) are Mark Martin (not the racecar driver, although truthfully he could be and I�d be no closer to recognizing him), Eric Weiser (team name almost has to be The Weis Men) and a co-ownership of Denny and Bret who swear they will fill the Orioles� void created by the departure of Mr. Metcalfe.

We are in the process of setting up a dispersal draft for the three new owners which is being cobbled together from the rosters vacated by Perk and Metcalfe. Before that draft has even occurred, all three teams have better pitching staffs than most of the existing teams. It is our sincere hope that we get the dispersal draft concluded shortly so the new owners have a month or so to move and shake down their rosters. The Doc Martins have already announced Jurickson Profar Bobblehead day at The Doc Yard.

With the return to 12 teams, rosters will be 23 players with budget of $260. Makeup will be fourteen position players and nine pitchers although we may reduce the number of

pitchers to �1� for this season in a nod to Our Pal Chris Mal who has asked if he can trade for passes during the draft. The active offensive positions will be: 2 catchers (Rick wanted to add a 3rd, but I told him we could vote on that in the offseason), DH, 1B, 2B, SS, 3B, INF, WC, 5 OFs.

You can keep up to 13 players and five rookies when we freeze rosters on March 16. Please have your freeze lists in by noon on the 16th. Rick submitted his the day after the World Series�

Draft day will be on March 23rd at 10 a.m. at The Third Rail in Blandon, PA. For the new guys, we usually order lunch at some point during the proceedings and throw in a few shekels for the use of the room on top of our tab. The Third Rail is the Blandon equivalent of the Waldorf Astoria but without the ice sculptures for brunch. The owner is a very nice guy and very gracious in offering up his watering hole for our use (yeah, there was probably a better way of phrasing that).

As always, I�m looking forward to this season which has already been dubbed the Year of The Drewer in all promotional literature we have sent out to season ticket holders. Of course, that pronouncement was made in anticipation of the Indians trading Chris Perez to open up the closer role for My Cousin Vinnie, but there is still time.

	Final 2012 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	66	.2508 3	257 9	947 9	185 11	100 10	56 7	3.84 9	1.244 8
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	61	.2696 10	238 6	964 10	174 10	81 9	85 10	4.00 3	1.301 3
Huskies Scott Metcalfe	60.5	.2627 8	259 10	892 8	117 6.5	79 8	77 9	3.94 6	1.285 5
City Slickers Marty Slickers	58.5	.2535 6	245 7	863 5	117 6.5	110 11	62 8	3.86 8	1.248 7
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	58	.2670 9	210 5	888 7	146 9	77 6	18 1	3.70 11	1.231 10
Question Marks Mark Bennett	49	.2726 11	253 8	876 6	140 8	75 5	21 2	3.96 5	1.297 4
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	47	.2524 5	181 4	732 4	97 3	73 2	100 11	3.90 7	1.230 11
Toilets Dan Haughney/ Jamie Schlesinger	45.5	.2556 7	278 11	1010 11	111 4	74 3.5	38 5	4.07 2	1.318 2
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	32	.2464 1	157 2	602 2	80 1	74 3.5	37 3.5	3.77 10	1.231 9
The Chicken Mike Drago	29	.2469 2	121 1	570 1	84 2	78 7	52 6	3.97 4	1.285 6
Drewers Drew Gallagher	21.5	.2516 4	164 3	677 3	115 5	60 1	37 3.5	4.94 1	1.450 1

ASL Recap
Drew Gallagher, 10/30/11

Gentlemen:

With major league baseball graciously moving up the end of the regular season, we may have to change Chris� moniker to Mr. September after yet another ASL title. This is Chris� fifth ASL title which leaves him only two behind The Chicken for all-time ASL supremacy in the 27-year history of the league (Editor�s note: Neither Chris nor Michael have been in the league for all 27 years. That distinction lies with me alone. My wife is so proud.) It�s amazing what a healthy Jacoby Ellsbury can do. And speaking of which, shouldn�t he be back in the draft by now?

The race for the top spot was probably decided a few weeks ago but the race for second place went down to the final few days and the race for fifth place lit erally went down to the last few innings. As late as 10:30 p.m. on Wednesday night, Scott Metcalfe was clinging to a half point lead over Perk. But something happened on the way to the Huskies� fifth place finish and dibs on the number one overall pick. It appears that PBJ must�ve nabbed a win in the closing moments of the 2011 season and Jose Valverde�s scoreless ninth helped push Perk just past Dale in ERA (which also helped solidify �Whoever drafted for Jamie this Season� in second place). That, my friends, was a 1.5 point swing and landed Perk a money spot and the rights to trade the number one pick to someone for a keeper. Looking at his roster, it appears that any keeper will do. At least the Huskies still have Joe Bat in the fold for one more season to pair with Justin Verlander.

Although we no longer vote for postseason awards (we act ually did once upon a time and it was kind of fun), GM of the Year has to go to Matt Dodge for steering that collection of flotsam to a fourth place finish. Year in and year out I look at Matt�s roster in the offseason and find myself unimpressed. Year in and year out I look at his team after the draft and am still not impressed. When my wife cuts him a check every October I am duly impressed. So congratulations to Matt on another improbable finish in the green.

In our National League, we once collectively showed our outrage at one J.D. Drew and his spurning of the Phillies by banning him from the draft for two years. Seriously, we�re petty that way. And in a similarly punitive gesture that I am not putting to a league vote, all references to or owning of Robert Andino are outlawed in the ASL from this day forward.

On a serious note, I wanted to offer up a thank you to Paul Rosa for hanging with us this season. Paul went through a year that I wouldn�t wish upon anyone and I hope that everyone�s health is improved going forward. (In a Virginia Tech sidebar: I like Clemson getting 7 on Saturday.)

We will be looking forward to a possible draft date for 2012 after we check with Jamie�s wife to make certain it fits her schedule and Jamie can attend a draft instead of bringing forth these ringers that somehow bid $45 on Howie Kendrick and it still works out. Major League Baseball is going to begin the season earlier in March with a series in Japan that might garner as many TV ratings as a Tampa Bay v. Arizona World Series.

I certainly hope everyone intends to return for next season and I wou ld only ask that if you have other plans please let us know. And in that vein, Jamie just told me he has a conflict with our draft date for 2012. Caps, you�re on the clock!

Thanks to everyone for another great season. The Yardbirds are currently fielding offers for Eric Hosmer. Apparently the opening bid must include 20 virgins or at least a hooker that has not yet appeared on Cops.

	Final 2011 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	82	.2523 3	240 11	921 12	150 11	88 10	73 11	3.43 12	1.198 12
Toilets Jeff Tantum/ Jamie Schlesinger	76	.2675 9	211 10	860 9	133 9	87 9	50 8	3.58 11	1.213 10
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	71	.2479 1	255 12	886 11	177 12	91 11	72 10	3.91 7	1.292 7
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	65	.2756 12	192 6	882 10	115 6	100 12	49 7	4.11 6	1.298 6
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	60	.2548 4	173 5	756 6	130 8	81 8	75 12	3.90 8	1.246 9
Huskies Scott Metcalfe	59	.2587 6	200 8.5	751 5	121 7	79 6.5	53 9	3.81 9	1.258 8
The Chicken Mike Drago	56	.2633 8	200 8.5	834 8	111 4.5	78 5	14 2	3.59 10	1.227 10
City Slickers Marty Slickers	39	.2692 11	132 3	652 4	91 2	69 4	43 6	4.33 4	1.309 5
PJ Paul Rosa Jack Mitchell	34.5	.2580 5	118 1	616 3	139 10	79 6.5	1 1	4.25 5	1.350 3
Question Marks Mark Bennett	33	.2682 10	195 7	759 7	85 1	48 1	34 5	4.47 1	1.424 1
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	25	.2611 7	122 2	605 2	106 3	59 3	25 3	4.34 3	1.397 2
Drewers Drew Gallagher	23.5	.2482 2	139 4	595 1	111 4.5	57 2	26 4	4.37 2	1.335 4

Season's End
Drew Gallagher, 10/05/10

Gentlemen:

For the first time in the 26-year history of the ASL we had a tie atop the standings. The Question Marks and The Toilets finished in a dead heat and each led in four categories so we combined the prize money for first and second and had them split it. We will continue to do it this way going forward because it sucks when the payout difference is $450.00 between first and second. Thanks to Dodge landing us a new stat service the winner received $1,012.50. That�s easily the highest payout in the history of the ASL and other than some minor glitches throughout the season (and the live standings on the final day) the stat service was passable. It�s not AllStar Stats but it�s more money in Rick�s pocket and that�s all anyone really cares about. We�ve had two races decided by one point previously (1997 and 2000) but never a tie for first.

With Mark and Jamie as co-champions that gives the ASL 15 different winners in its 26-year history. Drew Wine still remains the most unlikely winner in the history of the ASL.

Jamie�s championship sets an unusual streak of two years in a row of the winning owner not being present at the draft. Who would�ve ever guessed that Howie Kendrick would play more games than Dustin Pedroia?

After the deadlock at the top, The Yardbirds finished third for his highest finish ever and I was next in the kissing one�s sister spot. Chris finished 5th and lands the overall number 1 pick in the supplemental draft. Dale finished last despite the fact that Perk�s entire roster finished the season on the DL.

This year was the year of the trade for a player and have them get injured. Jamie trades Soria for Magglio Ordonez and Ordonez goes down for the season. I trade for Jake Peavy and two starts later he�s shut down for the season which helped him fit right in with team DL Drewer. And I�m going to take this opportunity to cry and bitch over spilt milk.

Players on the DL at some point in 2010: Carlos Pena, Curtis Granderson, Kurt Suzuki, Dustin Pedroia, Kevin Youkilis, Tommy Hunter, Cliff Lee, Jose Valverde, Joel Zumaya, Koji Ueharra, Jake Peavy.

I understand that injuries are part of the game and I recognize that Perk was devastated by injuries and The Chicken lost Grady Sizemore and Chris lost Jacoby Ellsbury and Rick lost Justin Morneau etc. etc. but the above players missed significant time and it�s a damned All-Star team. I also whine and moan because the cupboard is bare and it�s going to be a few years until I return to any sort of contention status based upon the projected keepers for 2011! Not a good cornerstone for the franchise when said cornerstone may be the Red Sox fifth outfielder coming out of spring training.

And with that, let�s turn an eye toward next season. It soon becomes apparent that there is no emerging juggernaut in the 2011 keeper lists. Of course, $1 closers will emerge as spring progresses but a lot of contracts are coming off of the books. Metcalfe has Jose Bautista for a mere $3 and Rajai Davis for $8. That�s a pretty good start. P.J. has some nice young arms. Perk has a ton of talent if they could just take up space in box scores instead of in the trainer�s room. In short, it�s anyone�s race (surprisingly). So let the offseason maneuvering begin and let Rick mull over how much to make Cano.

Anyone who has any issues for the winter survey please send them to me or Jamie. We�ll need to address draft weekend at some point since MLB wants to move up the start time this year. Draft day seems like only yesterday when the season held such promise and I was looking for the nearest ATM at 11:30 at night�

Cliff Lee needs to sign in the AL and Manny needs to sign in the NL. Jamie will be cleaning up the rosters in a few days so Brandon Inge is coming soon to a draft near you! I think pitchers and catchers report in like 130 days. Enjoy the playoffs.

Drew Gallagher

	Final 2010 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
Question Marks Mark Bennett	77	.2708 12	216 11	854 10	142 10	76 6	71 11	3.76 8	1.273 9
Toilets Jeff Tantum/ Jamie Schlesinger	77	.2682 10	200 9	779 7	145 11	86 9	67 10	3.59 11	1.255 10
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	69	.2688 11	191 7	786 8	141 9	74 5	72 12	3.64 10	1.284 7
Drewers Drew Gallagher	64.5	.2640 6	212 10	867 11	134 8	71 4	51 5.5	3.74 9	1.243 11
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	57.5	.2594 4	173 6	749 6	119 5	83 7	51 5.5	3.48 12	1.222 12
City Slickers Marty Slickers	56	.2669 8	236 12	978 12	77 3	94 11	8 2	4.26 4	1.335 4
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	54	.2677 9	88 1	571 2	157 12	88 10	56 9	3.92 6	1.315 5
Huskies Scott Metcalfe	48	.2665 7	196 8	795 9	131 7	84 8	43 4	4.48 2	1.371 3
PJ Paul Rosa Jack Mitchell	43	.2480 1	151 4	667 4	126 6	95 12	0 1	3.85 7	1.275 8
The Chicken Mike Drago	28	.2521 2	152 5	675 5	58 1	61 3	53 8	4.48 3	1.445 1
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	26	.2631 5	127 2	519 1	72 2	54 2	27 3	4.24 5	1.298 6
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	24	.2527 3	131 3	666 3	88 4	50 1	52 7	4.57 1	1.414 2

The Yankees Suck and Other Notes from 2009
Drew Gallagher, 11/05/09

Gentlemen,

We just finished up our 25th season of the Altered States League and in a quarter century of playing this ridiculous (and entertaining) game I don�t know that I�ve ever seen a more unlikely team capture the crown than the 2009 Dodge Polaras squad. Seriously, look over that roster and tell me how he did it. But ultimately the question is moot because he did do it so congratulations to Matt on his first ASL crown! It could not have happened to a nicer guy. Also, kudos to substitute draftman Danny O for picking up such nuggets as $1 Ben Zobrist on draft day to point the Polaras in the right direction. (Trivia question: Which owner threw Zobrist back into the draft? Hint: He jumped off a building and broke his leg soon thereafter.)

Not to diminish Matt�s accomplishment but congratulations are also due to The Chicken for turning around that moribund squad he inherited in two years to take second place. I�ll go out on a limb and argue that Winterburn never would�ve had that team in contention�ever. In the win now era of sports, the pressure is on the Three-Headed Owner to try to turn Stu�s team around by October of 2010. Otherwise heads will roll. Which might be a good thing because then we�ll actually know which of the three owners to contact for trades.

The Question Marks cashed for a second year in a row (don�t tell his wife) and have a nice core of young players returning for 2010 or, as Mark refers to it, the last year with lovechild Nick Markakis under contract for less than $50.

Jamie kissed his sister by finishing fourth and one spot ahead of the 1st reserve pick but at least he got money instead of the second overall pick which I�m certain I�ll turn into Warner Madrigal. Dale somehow managed to make up a 13-point deficit over the last couple of weeks to claim the coveted number one overall draft pick. He has sent playoff shares to Carlos Pena, Adam Jones and Jose Guillen for bailing on the last month of the Drewers� season.

In housekeeping matters, any questions or concerns you have going into 2010 should be sent to Jamie so he can include them in the winter survey. Please don�t be alarmed if Jamie doesn�t respond to your e-mails immediately, he�s probably procreating (again). At this rate, Jamie may be the first owner ever to populate a league exclusively with his own offspring. He could even use the ASL and simply change it to the All Schlesinger League.

I have glimpsed the potential keeper lists for 2010 and, my friends, I would not recommend it without first consulting your physician. It�s so bad that I won�t even let me six-year old near the computer screen for fear he might get nightmares. �Daddy, is Manny Delcarmen really a keeper?� �Go to bed son. Santa comes in less than two months.�

That being said, what fun would it be without some preliminary predictions for 2010�

Pitching-wise no one can hold a flame to The Tumors who return a $4 bullpen (Francisco is likely to get a contract) with Bailey and Francisco. He also has AL CY Young award winner to be Zach Greinke in the fold. Offensively he has Ellsbury, Juan Rivera and Aaron Hill so it looks like a money team. Probably the early November favorite for the 2010 title provided he doesn�t keep Carlos Gomez and Brett Gardner.

The Question Marks have a nice offense to build around Evan Longoria (contract year? $25 easy) and 2010 is the last year before I go for $50 Nick Markakis. Pitching is better than most.

Perk has a decent start on offense with Kendry Morales (look at his numbers, they are sick and probably worthy of Roto MVP of 2009), Alex Gordon and Sin Soo Choo (bless you) who leaves after 2010 to fulfill his Korean military service (I�m not making that up). His pitching sucks but that�s a recurring theme here.

The Chicks have a leg up on the rest of the league (except Chris) by having Aardsma in the coop. I made a trade this season where I threw in Nick Punto. Who throws in a sub $5 closer? Two heads may be better than one but I�ve got my doubts about three heads�

Our defending champion has Nelson Cruz and�.and�.a winner�s check from 2009. Hope he can stretch it out for a couple of years.

Yardbirds� owner Rick Franz was recently heard saying: �A day without Gordon Beckham is like a day without sunshine.� The fact that he has three or four $1 outfielders to go with Mr. Beckham makes it an interesting squad for 2010. Morneau and Cano make it a little more pricey but the offense is there. His pitching sucks but I think you are all starting to get the gist.

Marty said that he saw Mauer, ARod and Crawford all as keepers. He�s got a pitching staff better than most so maybe tying up nearly $120 in salary on the other three won�t be so bad. But better than most means he has two or three pitchers worth keeping.

Jamie has Soria and Verlander so another team with pitching that goes two deep.

The Three-Headed Owner has Andrus and Adam Lind and David Aardsma heading into 2010. Not a bad start and better than the team Stu left him with, but then you remember that he traded Aardsma and it all starts to fall apart�

Is Rajai Davis for real? Scott hopes so. If LaPorta and Butler produce as expected the offense has a nice start to it.

And I just realized that I forgot to look at Dale�s team. I know his team would look a lot better with Zobrist and Cliff Lee but he does have the number 1 pick in the reserve draft.

Projected Order for money spots as of 11/5/09:

1. The Drewers!

2. The Tumors

3. The Question Marks

4. (tie) The Yardbirds, Perk and The Chicks

It�s November and to quote the late, great John Mittl: �I like my team!� (pitching be damned)

Congratulations again to Dodge. Bidding for Danny O�s services at 2010�s draft begins at two pitchers of Yuengling and an appetizer (if you can throw in a leftfielder for the Sox all the better).

Happy Trading!

Drewer

Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	Final 2009 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
	78	.270 8	223 7	858 6	153 11	97 12	83 11	3.87 11	1.24 12
The Chicken Mike Drago	75.5	.278 11	232 8.5	913 9	103 4	88 8	96 12	3.86 12	1.29 11
Question Marks Mark Bennett	73	.279 12	245 12	1010 12	137 8	81 7	65 10	4.40 6	1.39 6
Sean Rodriguez Jamie Schlesinger	67	.256 1	237 10	880 8	145 9	94 11	62 9	4.00 9	1.31 10
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	62.5	.278 10	213 5	926 10	147 10	72 6	59 7.5	4.16 7	1.35 7
Drewers Drew Gallagher	61	.269 7	232 8.5	997 11	128 6.5	91 9	15 3	4.14 8	1.33 8
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	51.5	.262 2	165 3	747 3	172 12	66 5	59 7.5	3.92 10	1.32 9
City Slickers Marty Slickers	49.5	.274 9	215 6	822 5	128 6.5	93 10	29 5	4.58 8	1.46 3
Huskies Scott Metcalfe	43	.265 4	238 11	870 7	99 3	64 4	32 6	4.76 4	1.45 4
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	27	.265 5	209 4	800 4	79 2	62 3	4 1	4.78 3	1.44 5
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	22	.264 3	150 2	661 2	113 5	55 2	25 4	4.71 2	1.44 2
U.S.A. Forces Paul Rosa Jack Mitchell	14	.266 6	116 1	488 1	63 1	52 1	6 2	4.90 1	1.46 1

New Owner
Drew Gallagher, 1/30/09

Gentlemen,

When an owner builds a team around one Carlos Gonzalez and the cornerstone is traded to the Rockies in the offseason well it's probably time to hang up the fantasy baseball hat and try out other pursuits such as golf or, as in this case, women. This is the path that Stu has opted for in retiring Three Sheetz from The Wind from the ASL. At his closing press conference, Stu informed the huddled masses.

"Look, I enjoyed draft day and hanging out with the other owners, but I enjoy having sex a whole lot more. I'm not saying that I'll never be back because if this is Mrs. Sheetz number three I know that the fountain will run dry soon thereafter."

It was not easy replacing Stu (not only because no owner has ever cherised Willie Bloomquist more than Stu but because he quite possibly has the worst list of keepers ever amassed) but one-time ASL owner Paul Rosa has agreed to take the reins with a new co-owner Jack Mitchell. Team name to be announced as soon as

they come up with one. This now means that there are eight shared owners between the ASL and ESL. Paul once cut his teeth in the ASL from 2000-2003 with a different co-owner but wanted to be part of and a witness to Chris finally having to draft some offensive players and a closer for the first time in recent memory.

Paul is still trying to figure out how a team that finished last with arguably six keepers only scores the 8th pick in the reserve draft but until that time he said that he is open to all offers. I think his e-mail information is already on the web site.

Draft day is April 4th at Tailgaters at 11 a.m. Rosters are frozen at up to 13 keepers on March 28th by 11 a.m. Pitchers and catchers report two weeks from tomorrow!

Thanks,
Drewer

One for The Thumb
Drew Gallagher, 10/01/08

Gentlemen,

Another season and another championship for the Malignancies. Though The Chicken bestowed the honors on Chris when he saw his initial roster, the season was not without some drama after the "Jamie Rape" a few weeks before the deadline. The Keppinger Fan Club leapt into first place for a short while and actually made Chris the Cubs of the ASL for a few weeks. But just like the New York Yankees, when the regular season ends you know Chris will be at the top. Well, except this year because the Yankees are old and ARod is a selfish ass.

This is the fifth ASL title for Chris who still trails the Chicken (7). (It pained me to type that.)

The Daley Doubles cruised to a second place finish based mostly on trading an injured Adam Jones to the Drewers without revealing the full extent of the injury. (In short, he treated me like the Mariners with Erik Bedard.) Dale celebrated his second place finish by jumping up and down on a sofa like Tom Cruise. What Dale failed to realize was that Tom Cruise has magic underwear that protects him from injury and Dale, naked and wearing no underwear (magic or otherwise), broke his leg in the fall.

The Question Marks had to wait out two extra games to hold off Fan Club for a third place finish. There are many reasons to rejoice over Mark finishing third (he's got four kids that he'll have to put through college one day) but foremost is that Jamie finished fourth--the kissing your sister spot in the standings. Yes, Jamie cashed, but some would argue that Scott, finishing fifth and getting the first overall pick in the reserve draft, made out better. The gods of fantasy baseball intervened to set the world straight after the "Jamie Rape". (Trade update: Sean Rodriguez, who Jamie said was a guaranteed stud for years to come, finished the season with a .204 batting average in 167 at bats. Projected over 500 at bats, Sean Rodriguez will hit .204.)

After finishing 11th his first two years in the ASL, Scott Metcalfe cashed for the second year in a row.

Matt Dodge just missed cashing for the third year in a row which would've been one of the great feats of all-time since he punted both the power categories and not even the famed Pete DeCoursey tried that (at least not on purpose).

The Chicken pieced together a roster of flotsam and made an interesting run at the top five. He'll have the third overall pick in the supplemental draft to show for it.

Rick finished eighth but gets fantasy MVP Carlos Quentin back at $10 and has a $3 closer for 2009. Though neither can hold a candle to Sean Rodriguez who played in 59 games and hit three homeruns. Projected over 150 games that comes to eight homeruns. But he'll hit .204!

Any issues that you would like to include for the annual survey please forward to Jamie. Payments for the money spots will be mailed in the coming weeks. (As an aside, can we begin to fathom what excuses our former treasurer, Scott Winterburn, would've been throwing out there in this economic climate?)

Provided Tailgaters doesn't become the 100th restaurant to fail in Berks County in the coming months, we hope to have our draft there again. Trading season is now open.

Go Sox! (The Chicken Sux.)

Drewer

Malignancies Chris Malinowski	Final 2008 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
	88.5	.273 10	208 10	956 12	154 12	87 9.5	67 11	3.50 12	1.251 12
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	71.5	.268 5	205 8.5	858 6	113 8	91 11	68 12	3.73 10	1.268 11
Question Marks Mark Bennett	62	.278 12	209 11	911 11	118 9	80 6	49 5	4.25 6	1.415 2
Keppinger F.C. Jamie Schlesinger	60	.268 4	204 7	903 10	144 11	95 12	24 3	4.29 4	1.321 9
Huskies Scott Metcalfe	59	.273 8	225 12	896 9	79 3	67 4	54 7	3.97 9	1.331 7
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	55	.273 9	88 1	553 2	142 10	78 5	54 7	3.60 11	1.275 10
The Chicken Mike Drago	51	.269 6	205 8.5	889 8	81 4	86 7.5	54 7	4.28 5	1.394 5
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	50.5	.276 11	189 6	873 7	72 1.5	64 2	60 9	4.19 8	1.358 6
Drewers Drew Gallagher	44.5	.257 2	179 4	767 4	85 6	87 9.5	25 4	4.19 7	1.329 8
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	41.5	.267 3	181 5	849 5	82 5	86 7.5	62 10	4.38 3	1.408 3
City Slickers Marty Slickers	25.5	.269 7	158 3	760 3	72 1.5	66 3	20 2	4.52 2	1.404 4
3S2W Stu Sheetz	15	.255 1	122 2	545 1	100 7	51 1	17 1	5.02 1	1.482 1

The Return of the King
Drew Gallagher, 11/30/07

Gentlemen,

As the winter meetings approach, I wanted to make you aware of one seismic change in the ASL landscape. The Wine Drives, with one ASL championship in two years, have been ceded to a man that makes Mark Cuban look humble�a man who former Red Sox pitcher Dennis Boyd dubbed the original Oil Can�a man who knows the "c" in Gubicza is silent... The myth, the self-aggrandizing legend, the founding father of the ASL�.The San Drago Chicken himself, Mr. Mike Drago has returned (again).

For those of you unfamiliar with Michael and his rotisserie prowess there is a Wikipedia entry. He was gracious enough to help us out at last year's draft and cover for the Daley Doubles. He was thrust into the middle of Silvagate and was not appeased until an official fatwa was rendered. (Said fatwa resulted in Silva being traded by the Perk N Beans to the Doubles later in the season.) He founded the Altered States League in 1985 with a bunch of reporters, deadbeat friends and a 15-year old whose first draft was highlighted by the drafting of Pat Tabler and Brook Jacoby for $1 each. He is still a reporter for the Reading Eagle, his friends are still deadbeats and Pat Tabler remains the highlight of 23 years of ASL drafts for said 15-year old.

When advised of the new owner, Perk N Beans owner Jon Perkins issued the following statement: "The guy's a toolbag but at least he's not a little bitch like Dale. Can we kick Dale out?"

In a totally unrelated move, The Drewers announced the rehiring of Dick Drago as their new pitching coach. Drewer Manager for life, Pat Tabler (see above), said that the move had nothing to do with the return of The San Drago Chicken and put it off as mere coincidence. When reminded that Dick Drago seems to be rehired as the pitching coach for The Drewers every time The Chicken returns to the league he said it was nothing more than coincidence. "Look, sometimes two great things go together. Like chocolate and peanut butter. Pizza and beer. Dick and Drago."

I personally am tickled to have Drago back in the fold and have always maintained that the ASL without The Chicken is like a day without sunshine or a Pete DeCoursey car without a boot on the front tire.

Now please join me in hoping that Dan Haren gets traded to the Mets.

Drewer

Malignancies Chris Malinowski	Final 2007 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
	85.5	.270 5	215 12	965 11	123 9.5	105 12	89 12	3.57 12	1.23 12
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	67.5	.292 12	183 5	974 12	136 11.5	98 11	22 4	4.32 8	1.38 4
Huskies Scott Metcalfe	67.5	.276 8	186 7	872 7	123 9.5	70 6	59 10	4.17 9	1.33 11
City Slickers Marty Slickers	60	.281 11	196 9	937 9	101 5	75 9	47 5	4.37 6	1.36 6
Question Marks Mark Bennett	58	.270 4	197 10	948 10	116 7	71 7	7 1	4.15 10	1.34 9
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	52.5	.272 7	200 11	892 8	95 4	68 4.5	56 9	4.56 4	1.37 5
Drewers Drew Gallagher	48.5	.276 9	185 6	777 5	74 2	68 4.5	15 3	3.90 11	1.34 8
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	47	.263 3	192 8	854 6	70 1	84 10	49 7	4.44 5	1.34 7
Cabin Boy Jamie Schlesinger	45	.263 2	154 2	736 2	115 6	74 8	55 8	4.35 7	1.33 10
3S2W Stu Sheetz	35.5	.271 6	169 3	759 3	136 11.5	56 2	48 6	5.11 2	1.49 2
Wine Drives Drew Wine	34	.278 10	106 1	555 1	122 8	40 1	75 11	4.35 1	1.40 1
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	23	.256 1	176 4	764 4	86 3	65 3	11 2	4.77 3	1.42 3

New ASL Owner
Drew Gallagher, 1/16/07

Gentlemen,

I wanted to give everyone an opportunity to disconnect their e-mails before we announce the addition of Jamie Schlesinger (aka Mini Mal) to the ASL. Jamie has participated in the ESL for a few years and was handpicked by Perk to fill the void created by the departure of Scott Winterburn. Jamie brings a string of unending e-mails and trade proposals without the benefit of spell check. To describe Jamie as �active� would be like describing Chris Elliott�s Oscar worthy performance in �Cabin Boy� as average. Or comparing the excitement level of draft day to a 12-year old cheerleading competition.

The one nice thing about Jamie and his e-mails is that they require no research on your part. The players he is trading to you are sure Hall of Famers while all that he is asking in return is a little kindness and a $5 King Felix with a tired arm certain to breakdown by the end of April. Or he�ll offer Scott Metcalfe a reserve pick for BoSox closer Joel Pineiro forgetting that we all now have access to RotoWorld.

A warm welcome to Jamie and my only request is that I be courtesy copied on any trade offers between Jamie and Matt Dodge.

Thanks,
Drewer

Thank You
Drew Wine, 10/05/06

I, too, would like to Thank All of You responsible for the Wine Drives success.

C-City B for undertaking fatherhood and deeming the ASL too time consuming for his new life.

Drew Gallagher for inviting me to play and managing my team in a deliberate attempt to somehow beat Chris.

Dale Scott for teaching me the rules that Gallagher conveniently ignored.

Margaret Gallagher for coming up with the name Wine Drives!

Chris, as fair minded commissioner, who constantly had to make moves for me because of the weak Internet service I employ.

Mark Bennett for the late night call to pick up Bobby Abreu. (music in the background)

My MVP Derek Jeter plus teamates Jason Giambi and Vernon Wells, . . . Johan (what can I say, I love you all!)

Scott Schoeneweiss with a win and Ben Broussard with a steal when it only mattered to the Wine Drive's.

And finally, like the Boss, Steinbrenner, I had to write the check. Now I get to cash one!

Perk, I'll see you in the celler next year!

The 2006 ASL Coronation
Drew Gallagher, 10/02/06

Gentlemen,

The season hath ended and after the warning track dust has settled and the MRI machine used to examine Francisco Liriano finally broke, The
Wine Drives were left atop the mound of injured and dead (made up mostly of Perk's active roster) to claim the ASL pennant in the team's first year of existence.

The Malignancies, as always, gave a spirited run at the rookie but the quest fell about two shutout wins short. The Daley Doubles prevailed in a tight race for third place and outpaced the Polaras by one point.
Without checking the ASL annals, I believe that it may have been the first money finish for Mr. Dodge. A much-deserved honor. The rotting corpse that was the season-end Drewers limped into the final money spot.
(Note to Scott Winterburn: I now have the first reserve pick for 2007 so start mulling over the offers.)

Owner and general manager Drew Wine was ebullient in the championship clubhouse after getting doused with Dom Perignon by team MVP Derek Jeter.

"Can you believe that guy was tagging Mariah Carey?," he asked before whipping a slimmed down Jason Giambi in the ass with a towel.

But the biggest bare hugs were saved for closer Todd Jones who single-handedly preserved The Wines tenuous foothold in the saves category all year.

"The liberal media has blamed Bush for Iraq and also stated that I was a puppet owner who merely took the all-star squad that the C City B had assembled and just didn't screw them up. Well, my answer to those
critics is two words: Todd Jones."

"Greg drafted that oft-injured no talent Octavio Dotel as his closer and look where he finished last year. I recognized early on the need for a high-end closer. Though I readily admit I had no idea who Todd Jones
was when I drafted him, I knew that I wanted a fat guy who made me look good naked. Certainly Matt Stairs fit that bill but with TJ AND Stairs I look like an Adonis when I get out of the clubhouse shower."

When asked why the owner showers with his players Mr. Wine blamed the liberal media again. He further added that the conservative media sees no problem with such interaction between grown men and, in fact, seems to have no problem with that same interaction between grown men and teenage pages on the Hill.

So now we can turn our focus to 2007, the 23rd year of the ASL! For any owners who do not wish to participate in 2007 please let us know immediately so we can usher in the next generation of first-year champions. The Huskies, 3Sheetz, Yardbirds and Slickers have amassed some nice keepers for 2007. Winterburn has his stable of rookies and the lingering cancer that is ERod. Will they finally part company this offseason? The Question Marks nearly captured a money spot without gutting their roster and The Malignances have said that they have their deepest keeper list ever. As for the Polaras, Doubles, Perk N Beans and the Drewers? Seasons are not built or won on October potential. The battle for 9th places next September should be heated.

Trading season is open!

Drewer

Drew Wine Wine Drives	Final 2006 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
	75.5	.287 12	221 9	948 9	134 12	94 12	42 4.5	4.24 9	1.33 8
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	73	.279 8	260 12	1051 12	94 7	93 11	102 12	4.40 6	1.38 5
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	65	.273 3	215 8	858 6	130 11	91 9	45 6	3.97 12	1.32 10
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	64	.279 9	237 10	1012 11	109 9	91 9	49 8	4.58 4	1.41 4
Drewers Drew Gallagher	63.5	.278 7	238 11	984 10	113 10	85 7	42 4.5	4.35 7	1.35 7
Question Marks Mark Bennett	58	.282 10	178 3	889 7	102 8	71 4	27 3	3.98 11	1.28 12
Rug Burns Scott Winterburn	49.5	.270 2	202 4.5	728 3	78 1	91 9	68 11	4.29 8	1.32 11
City Slickers Marty Slickers	47	.262 1	211 7	844 5	81 2	77 6	47 7	4.14 10	1.33 9
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	44	.277 6	202 4.5	785 4	91 4.5	73 5	62 9	4.51 5	1.37 6
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	43	.284 11	204 6	903 8	83 3	69 3	64 10	4.98 1	1.51 1
Huskies Scott Metcalfe	23	.277 5	166 2	676 2	93 6	58 1	25 2	4.91 2	1.43 3
3S2W Stu Sheetz	18.5	.274 4	157 1	638 1	91 4.5	67 2	21 1	4.79 3	1.43 2

2006 ASL Draft Day
Year #22
Saturday, April 1st, 2006, 11AM
at Tailgaters Steakhouse

* Last year Marty called just as the draft was set to begin and said he wasn't going to make it. Then 15 minutes later was on his way. He arrived an hour into the draft, but somehow still managed to win the league. This year he got lost on the way, and called multiple times to say he was just about there. He arrived 90 minutes late, and immediately picked up Shawn Chacon $14, Carl Everett $11, and Shannon Stewart $14. Can he pull it off again?!!?!

* This was a first-time Rotisserie experience for Drew Wine who replaced Greg Ciambruschini. Drew's first ever purchase was a $41 Gary Sheffield. It looks like he got a steal in a $1 Lance Nix - the day of the draft the Rangers traded David Dellucci to the Phillies opening a starting CF slot for Nix. On the flip-side he also drafted a $28 Todd Jones who was placed on the DL the night of the draft. Welcome to Fantasy Baseball.

* Looks like another lost cause of a year for me, not helped by Jason Bartlett getting sent down just before the draft. I replaced him and Brandon McCarthy ($5) with rookie Kendry Morales who hadn't been sent down yet, and Dustin Pedroia who was going to extend spring camp. Ugh. Nothing like starting the year with two dead spots. To pour salt on the wound, at the end of the draft I had $8 to spend and forgot about McCarthy. I wound up taking Ted Lilly. Lilly is now out with a bad back, and McCarthy picked up the W in the first MLB game of the year Sunday night.

* Scott W kept A-Rod ($48) and Manny Ramirez for the second year in a row. To top it off, he actually extended Manny's contract by a year, taking him from $41 to $46.

* Jon Perkins drafted the most expensive offensive player and pitcher - Vladimir Guerrero ($50) and Mariano Rivera ($41). (He also paid $42 for Hideki Matsui.)

* Draft day prices seemed even crazier than usual: $28 Milton Bradley (Perk), $37 Curt Schilling (Scott M), $38 Torii Hunter (Scott M), $30 Kevin Mench (Mark), $27 Raul Ibanez (Matt), $26 Mark Loretta (Matt), $35 Brad Wilkerson (Drew), $38 Melvin Mora (Stu), $35 Aubry Huff (Stu), $27 Javy Lopez (Dale)???????!!!

* Stu's pitching staff costs a grand total of $38 and half of that is a $19 Eddie Guardado.

* The first players taken in the reserve draft were Brandon Wood (Rick), Andy Marte (Scott W), Alex Gordon (me), B.J.Upton ($10, Drew), Howie Kendrick (Matt) and Craig Hansen (Mark).

A.P. PRESS RELEASE
by Drew Gallagher, 12/16/05
FREDERICKSBURG, VA - It is with great regret that I announce the resignation of Greg Ciambruschini from the ASL. Apparently the Coco Crisp for Sammy Sosa trade did not go over well in the household and he felt a need to extricate himself from any other fantasy baseball entanglements. The man is not easily replaced but fortunately the proud franchise is being turned over to the man that Greg probably would've handpicked himself had Carrie allowed him to make any more decisions. Drew Wine, a name familiar to many of those in the league, has consented to take over a franchise that is now saved from Washington Nationals-like limbo.

Star outfielder Vernon Wells was thrilled by the announcement: "I hear the guy thinks Robinson Cano is a book by Robert Louis Stevenson, but we're just happy to have some leadership in the front office. I heard the Daley Doubles took him out to lunch this afternoon to celebrate the announcement. I just hope Johann Santana is still on the squad by later this afternoon."

Though Mr. Wine has not announced a team name, initial reports indicate that a Hokie will figure prominently in the logo.

In other league news, we are still planning on drafting in Baltimore again this year. I believe that Scott's mom's house can be a fall back option (Scott, correct me if I am wrong there) but we would like to see if there is a room or restaurant available so as not to impose on Scott's mom. Since we won't be dropping cash on the lovely erasable boards this season we could probably pay a nominal fee for the use of a room. Any ideas are certainly welcome.

And, the Yankees $1 starting centerfielder is available for the right price. The line starts behind Matt Dodge.

Thanks for your time.

Drewer

Year in Review
Drew Gallagher, 10/04/05

Gentlemen,

As Matt Dodge touched upon, we may have seen the dawning of a new era in drafting. Marty's strategy of not just waiting, but not showing up, until the draft was three quarters ended looks like pure genius. I only hope that the book tour for "MartyBall" next spring does not conflict with our draft date. Congratulations to the Slickers on their first ASL pennant!

On a drafting note, Mr. Malinowski wanted to duly warn the rest of the league that he will be spending his money very early next year. Quote: "You can tell those bastards that I'm going to be spending early and often. None of this waiting to the end bullshit. All my money will be gone by the time Marty shows up next year." (I guess that's not a quote but maybe more of a paraphrase.)

There was a substantial turnover in the ASL heading into 2005 and three of the four new owners were able to cash. (And the one who did not cash had major surgery soon after the All-Star break so his attention was understandably elsewhere. Probably a good thing now that he has Nick Swisher back in tow for 2006.) So congratulations to Greg, Stu and Rick. For those of you playing at home, Stu and Rick had never participated in a fantasy baseball league prior to 2005 and Stu had 72 hours to familiarize himself with his roster and how to draft. Makes those of us who have been members for 21 years and accustomed to finishing eighth feel really good about our lives. If the geographic makeup of the league remains as it is we will again be looking to draft in Baltimore next year as long as everyone is agreeable to same. We would like to find a space/sports bar to host the event so Greg and Scott can toss out ideas when the time draws near.

And congratulations to Dale on his highest ASL finish ever. Despite the burden of the Perkins Prediction of an ASL title the squad still made things interesting for the Slickers when September opened.

On the money front, Chris is going to get the payment breakdowns to Scott in the next few days and then Scott will be issuing checks in the very near future. If anyone has unresolved debt (I don't think that applies) please take care of that immediately. And if anyone does not think they will be returning in 2006 please let us know as soon as possible so we can find a new owner. I've received a phone call from one Jonathan Finglass inquiring as to if there were any openings...

Chris will be sending out the winter surveys in a few months for your careful consideration.

Early prediction for 2006: Winterburn's squad is loaded. Early prediction II for 2006: Sammy Sosa will not be a Charm City Bandit. Early prediction for 2007: Sammy Sosa will not be a Charm City Bandit

I've got tons of mediocre starting pitching at reasonable prices so I'm willing to entertain any offers. Even my big Wang is available. (You didn't expect a final e-mail without a reference to Chien Ming did you?) The constant references to my big Wang do remind of Dale Scott's favorite King Missle song, "Detachable Penis". He'll burn you a copy if you like.

Thanks to all for their participation. I enjoyed it. And remember...Chone Figgins is a veritable god unless he meets up with the Sox in the ALCS--then he's Bret Barberie for a series.

Drewer
Once and Future ASL Champion

Note to Chris, Greg and Dale--I was just kidding about Finglass.

City Slickers Marty Slickers	Final 2005 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
	78	.279 12	234 11	908 12	74 3	82 8	64 10	3.85 12	1.27 10
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	71	.263 2	214 8	872 9	122 11	99 12	54 7	3.90 11	1.26 11
CCBs G.Ciambruschini	67	.277 11	222 9	858 8	88 6	98 11	8 1	4.01 9	1.26 12
3S2W Stu Sheetz	64	.273 8	202 7	848 6	119 9.5	81 6	60 8.5	3.95 10	1.28 9
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	61.5	.269 5	198 6	896 11	86 5	88 9.5	65 11	4.25 7	1.34 7
Rug Burns Scott Winterburn	55	.275 10	252 12	851 7	102 8	74 4	38 4	4.41 4	1.35 6
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	54.5	.269 4	233 10	885 10	119 9.5	81 6	50 6	4.35 5	1.37 4
Drewers Drew Gallagher	45.5	.266 3	117 1	565 1	139 12	88 9.5	33 3	4.20 8	1.32 8
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	39	.253 1	160 3	776 4	69 2	81 6	81 12	4.25 6	1.36 5
Question Marks Mark Bennett	36	.274 9	190 5	770 3	99 7	64 2	47 5	4.48 3	1.40 2
Huskies Scott Metcalfe	27	.272 7	189 4	798 5	62 1	66 3	19 2	4.56 2	1.38 3
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	25.5	.270 6	139 2	702 2	79 4	48 1	60 8.5	4.63 1	1.39 1

2005 ASL Draft Day
Year #21
Saturday, April 2nd, 2005, Noon
at Scott Metcalfe's Mom's house

* April 2nd was met with torrential downpours. Just about everyone was late.

* Marty Slickers who was pulled over for an out-of-date registration, and had his car towed away the night before on his way to the ESL draft, as of noon said he wasn't going to make it, and then 15 minutes later was on his way. He arrived an hour into the draft and almost immediately picked up a $30 Magglio Ordonez, a $27 Shannon Stewart, a $27 Mike Mussina, and a $27 Matt Clement.

* Stu Sheetz was coming to the draft just to help and watch, but wound up getting a team of his own when Gerry Orlando bailed out on his at the last minute for the 3rd consecutive year.

* It was also the first year for Greg Ciambruschini, Rick Franz and Scott Metcalfe who were taking over for the departed Mike Drago, Pete DeCoursey and Kori Walter. Greg had previously played in the ASL in 1996 and 1997. Scott Metcalfe had played in the ESL for the last two years. It was a first time Rotisserie baseball experience for Rick.

* I had over $100 left on the board while most of the league was down around $25. I thought I knew what I was doing, but after being forced to go to $29 on Kevin Mench and $20 on John Gibbons it became clear that I had made a wee-bit of a mistake along the way.

* With A-Rod being kept by Scott W for $48, no offensive player broke the $40 barrier. Eric Chavez (Dale) and Adrian Beltre (Matt) both went for $39.

* The highest price for a pitcher was a $40 Randy Johnson (Rick). Curt Schilling and Octavio Dotel were next at $33.

* The first player taken in the reserve draft was Ross Gload (Scott M). The first rookie taken was Dan Meyer with the 3rd overall pick (Stu), followed by Derrick Barton (Dale) and Eric Aybar (Mark).

* After the draft we all went to Applebee's to watch the NCAA finals.

Perk's Power Rankings, 2/15/05

Welcome to the initial installment of Perk�s Power Rankings for the ASL. In an uncharacteristic effort at diplomacy, the teams are not ranked 1 through 12 but rather in little sub-groups. At least teams 2 through 11 are. So without further delay�

DALE WINS GROUP:

The Daley Doubles. Only one team qualifies for this group because they are head and shoulders above the rest of the league. Perk�s comments: �LB (stands for little bitch for those of you playing at home) is certain to win the ASL this year unless he attends the draft. We�ll see if he can capture a little of that 2001 magic.� (Editor�s note: 2001 was the only one of Dale�s six years in the league that he finished better than eighth.)

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING IN APRIL GROUP:

The Question Marks. They feature the best keeper in Francisco Cordero and a bevy of youngsters. Perk�s comments: �If Sammy Sosa can babysit the kiddies on his roster he should finish in the money. Oh, and Mark, unlike Dale, would benefit greatly from attending the draft.�

The Malignancies. Perk�s comments: �Chris would be poised for a title run if not for Baldelli�s offseason WiffleBall injury.�

The Drewers. Perk�s comments: �Just type something about your lovechild Chone Figgins.�

CUCKOO FOR COCO CRISP GROUP:

The Charm City Bandits. Greg�s squad defines this grouping because they feature a bunch of solid keepers and some players with the type of upside (see aforementioned Coco Crisp) that could launch them into the money slots. With a shorty on the way, it�s time for a payday. Perk�s comments: �Obviously Drew�s love for Greg got him the best of the dispersal draft.�

Gerry�s Kids. Solid keepers. You just wonder about which draft strategy Scott will have to employ this season. Perk�s comments: �This team would look a lot better with Zach Greinke. We�ll draw straws to see who drafts for Gerry this year.� (Gerry is secretly hoping it is not Dale.)

Dodge Polaris. Drago is gone but Mo Rivera is still a fine keeper on someone else�s team for a change. Perk�s comments: �We all voted for Matt�s daughter as cheerleader so it�d be nice if he returned the kindness on draft day.�

Seafood Rick. Rick has never participated in an auction style draft before. Oh, the horror. Perk�s comments: �Since he�s the new guy we�ll take it easy on him in the pre-draft comments but I�m certain he will provide us with plenty of fuel for next year. Will Pudge�s 19 homeruns hold up now that he�s off the juice?�

DREAMS OF DRAFT DAY BARGAINS GROUP:

The Slickers. Some of the best keepers in the league (Big Papi!) but just not enough of them unless he works some draft day magic which he has been known to do in the past. Perk�s comments: �Is he back from witness protection?�

The Rug Burns. They had their fun last year but really need to be able to only draft for one team this season and concentrate. They need Sheffield this season. Perk�s comments: �Maybe Scott should draft five teams this year since two worked the magic last year and his team really sucks this year.�

The Huskies. The expansion draft did not give Scott much of a pitching staff but the team is so much better than the corpse he left behind in the ESL. Mark�s main competition for Sosa. Perk�s comments: �I need to mention something about Suzuki sucking or getting injured because I don�t want him to keep him. I want him on my team.�

DIPLOMACY GROUP:

The Perk & Beans. Unlike Jose Canseco, Perk recognizes that there may be ramifications from a writing such as this so he�d like to self-deprecate in hopes of being able to trade with other teams this season. But, he added: �My team pretty much does suck.� (Starting outfield of Reed Johnson, B.J. Surhoff, Rondell White and Willie Harris plugging the fourth hole. Need more be said? Yeah, how about that number one starter Mark Hendrickson? All players available at this time.)

Rug Burns Scott Winterburn	Final 2004 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
	65	.273 8	249 11	889 9	132 11	94 12	69 12	4.87 1	1.44 1
Drewers Drew Gallagher	63	.268 1	208 7	914 10	140 12	83 9	12 1	4.27 12	1.34 11
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	61	.277 11	206 6	886 8	81 2	75 5	58 10	4.50 7	1.31 12
DeCoys Pete DeCoursey	60	.270 3	233 10	954 11	88 3	65 2	65 11	4.32 10	1.34 10
The Chicken Mike Drago	58.5	.280 12	210 8.5	860 7	102 9	57 1	51 8	4.45 9	1.41 4
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	55	.272 6	164 1	782 4	99 6	88 11	50 7	4.31 11	1.38 9
Gerry's Kids Gerry Orlando	55	.275 10	267 12	1020 12	90 4	79 7	23 2	4.68 5	1.42 3
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	49.5	.273 7	210 8.5	851 6	129 10	77 6	26 4	4.79 2	1.40 6
Question Marks Mark Bennett	43.5	.274 9	179 3	745 2.5	100 7	67 3	56 9	4.50 8	1.43 2
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	39	.272 5	172 2	722 1	101 8	80 8	43 6	4.76 4	1.40 5
City Slickers Marty Slickers	37.5	.269 2	199 5	745 2.5	97 5	84 10	25 3	4.77 3	1.39 7
K-9's Kori Walter	37	.271 4	197 4	815 5	79 1	74 4	36 5	4.65 6	1.39 8

Drew's Letter to John Hunt, 1/06/04

I do not know if you guys are going to invite any laypeople to the spring LABR draft, but wanted to offer up my self-serving credentials. Actually, just wanted to share with someone that 2004 will mark the 20th anniversaries of both our Altered State League (AL only) and Eternal Squabblers League (NL only). I'm certain there are a few leagues that have already celebrated 20 years, but I was only 15 when the ASL began and my father had to drive me to the draft since I didn't have a license.

Dad, not aware of the length of such an affair, was employed as auctioneer about halfway through and he has continued as auctioneer for almost every one of those 20 years. Of the 12 original owners, I was the youngest by 10 years when the league started and I am now the only original member of the league that has participated for all 20 years. (I have one championship to show for it but let's skip that part.) I'd be willing to bet there aren't many out there who have done this for 20 years with those 20 years making up more than half their lives.

Never missed a draft. Even through college when I would sometimes have to take the train five hours to get back from college since I didn't have a car at school.

After participating in the ASL draft in March of 1985, I was so enamored with the concept that I got a group of my friends together and we started our NL only league at the all-star break of 1985. We had a half season (doing stats by hand) and have continued with that league as well. There are three of the original 10 owners who have competed for all 20 years. Pretty impressive in my mind.

So I offer up to you, how many other rotisserie players have been in two leagues for 20 years straight? Trust me, this does not impress my wife.

Thanks for your time and I look forward to the fantasy baseball column starting up again soon.

Drew Gallagher