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The Yankees Suck and Other Notes from 2009
Drew Gallagher, 11/05/09

Gentlemen,

We just finished up our 25th season of the Altered States League and in a quarter century of playing this ridiculous (and entertaining) game I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a more unlikely team capture the crown than the 2009 Dodge Polaras squad. Seriously, look over that roster and tell me how he did it. But ultimately the question is moot because he did do it so congratulations to Matt on his first ASL crown! It could not have happened to a nicer guy. Also, kudos to substitute draftman Danny O for picking up such nuggets as $1 Ben Zobrist on draft day to point the Polaras in the right direction. (Trivia question: Which owner threw Zobrist back into the draft? Hint: He jumped off a building and broke his leg soon thereafter.)

Not to diminish Matt’s accomplishment but congratulations are also due to The Chicken for turning around that moribund squad he inherited in two years to take second place. I’ll go out on a limb and argue that Winterburn never would’ve had that team in contention…ever. In the win now era of sports, the pressure is on the Three-Headed Owner to try to turn Stu’s team around by October of 2010. Otherwise heads will roll. Which might be a good thing because then we’ll actually know which of the three owners to contact for trades.

The Question Marks cashed for a second year in a row (don’t tell his wife) and have a nice core of young players returning for 2010 or, as Mark refers to it, the last year with lovechild Nick Markakis under contract for less than $50.

Jamie kissed his sister by finishing fourth and one spot ahead of the 1st reserve pick but at least he got money instead of the second overall pick which I’m certain I’ll turn into Warner Madrigal. Dale somehow managed to make up a 13-point deficit over the last couple of weeks to claim the coveted number one overall draft pick. He has sent playoff shares to Carlos Pena, Adam Jones and Jose Guillen for bailing on the last month of the Drewers’ season.

In housekeeping matters, any questions or concerns you have going into 2010 should be sent to Jamie so he can include them in the winter survey. Please don’t be alarmed if Jamie doesn’t respond to your e-mails immediately, he’s probably procreating (again). At this rate, Jamie may be the first owner ever to populate a league exclusively with his own offspring. He could even use the ASL and simply change it to the All Schlesinger League.

I have glimpsed the potential keeper lists for 2010 and, my friends, I would not recommend it without first consulting your physician. It’s so bad that I won’t even let me six-year old near the computer screen for fear he might get nightmares. “Daddy, is Manny Delcarmen really a keeper?” “Go to bed son. Santa comes in less than two months.”

That being said, what fun would it be without some preliminary predictions for 2010…

Pitching-wise no one can hold a flame to The Tumors who return a $4 bullpen (Francisco is likely to get a contract) with Bailey and Francisco. He also has AL CY Young award winner to be Zach Greinke in the fold. Offensively he has Ellsbury, Juan Rivera and Aaron Hill so it looks like a money team. Probably the early November favorite for the 2010 title provided he doesn’t keep Carlos Gomez and Brett Gardner.

The Question Marks have a nice offense to build around Evan Longoria (contract year? $25 easy) and 2010 is the last year before I go for $50 Nick Markakis. Pitching is better than most.

Perk has a decent start on offense with Kendry Morales (look at his numbers, they are sick and probably worthy of Roto MVP of 2009), Alex Gordon and Sin Soo Choo (bless you) who leaves after 2010 to fulfill his Korean military service (I’m not making that up). His pitching sucks but that’s a recurring theme here.

The Chicks have a leg up on the rest of the league (except Chris) by having Aardsma in the coop. I made a trade this season where I threw in Nick Punto. Who throws in a sub $5 closer? Two heads may be better than one but I’ve got my doubts about three heads…

Our defending champion has Nelson Cruz and….and….a winner’s check from 2009. Hope he can stretch it out for a couple of years.

Yardbirds’ owner Rick Franz was recently heard saying: “A day without Gordon Beckham is like a day without sunshine.” The fact that he has three or four $1 outfielders to go with Mr. Beckham makes it an interesting squad for 2010. Morneau and Cano make it a little more pricey but the offense is there. His pitching sucks but I think you are all starting to get the gist.

Marty said that he saw Mauer, ARod and Crawford all as keepers. He’s got a pitching staff better than most so maybe tying up nearly $120 in salary on the other three won’t be so bad. But better than most means he has two or three pitchers worth keeping.

Jamie has Soria and Verlander so another team with pitching that goes two deep.

The Three-Headed Owner has Andrus and Adam Lind and David Aardsma heading into 2010. Not a bad start and better than the team Stu left him with, but then you remember that he traded Aardsma and it all starts to fall apart…

Is Rajai Davis for real? Scott hopes so. If LaPorta and Butler produce as expected the offense has a nice start to it.

And I just realized that I forgot to look at Dale’s team. I know his team would look a lot better with Zobrist and Cliff Lee but he does have the number 1 pick in the reserve draft.

Projected Order for money spots as of 11/5/09:

1. The Drewers!

2. The Tumors

3. The Question Marks

4. (tie) The Yardbirds, Perk and The Chicks

It’s November and to quote the late, great John Mittl: “I like my team!” (pitching be damned)

Congratulations again to Dodge. Bidding for Danny O’s services at 2010’s draft begins at two pitchers of Yuengling and an appetizer (if you can throw in a leftfielder for the Sox all the better).

Happy Trading!

Drewer

Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	Final 2009 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
	78	.270 8	223 7	858 6	153 11	97 12	83 11	3.87 11	1.24 12
The Chicken Mike Drago	75.5	.278 11	232 8.5	913 9	103 4	88 8	96 12	3.86 12	1.29 11
Question Marks Mark Bennett	73	.279 12	245 12	1010 12	137 8	81 7	65 10	4.40 6	1.39 6
Sean Rodriguez Jamie Schlesinger	67	.256 1	237 10	880 8	145 9	94 11	62 9	4.00 9	1.31 10
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	62.5	.278 10	213 5	926 10	147 10	72 6	59 7.5	4.16 7	1.35 7
Drewers Drew Gallagher	61	.269 7	232 8.5	997 11	128 6.5	91 9	15 3	4.14 8	1.33 8
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	51.5	.262 2	165 3	747 3	172 12	66 5	59 7.5	3.92 10	1.32 9
City Slickers Marty Slickers	49.5	.274 9	215 6	822 5	128 6.5	93 10	29 5	4.58 8	1.46 3
Huskies Scott Metcalfe	43	.265 4	238 11	870 7	99 3	64 4	32 6	4.76 4	1.45 4
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	27	.265 5	209 4	800 4	79 2	62 3	4 1	4.78 3	1.44 5
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	22	.264 3	150 2	661 2	113 5	55 2	25 4	4.71 2	1.44 2
U.S.A. Forces Paul Rosa Jack Mitchell	14	.266 6	116 1	488 1	63 1	52 1	6 2	4.90 1	1.46 1

New Owner
Drew Gallagher, 1/30/09

Gentlemen,

When an owner builds a team around one Carlos Gonzalez and the cornerstone is traded to the Rockies in the offseason well it's probably time to hang up the fantasy baseball hat and try out other pursuits such as golf or, as in this case, women. This is the path that Stu has opted for in retiring Three Sheetz from The Wind from the ASL. At his closing press conference, Stu informed the huddled masses.

"Look, I enjoyed draft day and hanging out with the other owners, but I enjoy having sex a whole lot more. I'm not saying that I'll never be back because if this is Mrs. Sheetz number three I know that the fountain will run dry soon thereafter."

It was not easy replacing Stu (not only because no owner has ever cherised Willie Bloomquist more than Stu but because he quite possibly has the worst list of keepers ever amassed) but one-time ASL owner Paul Rosa has agreed to take the reins with a new co-owner Jack Mitchell. Team name to be announced as soon as

they come up with one. This now means that there are eight shared owners between the ASL and ESL. Paul once cut his teeth in the ASL from 2000-2003 with a different co-owner but wanted to be part of and a witness to Chris finally having to draft some offensive players and a closer for the first time in recent memory.

Paul is still trying to figure out how a team that finished last with arguably six keepers only scores the 8th pick in the reserve draft but until that time he said that he is open to all offers. I think his e-mail information is already on the web site.

Draft day is April 4th at Tailgaters at 11 a.m. Rosters are frozen at up to 13 keepers on March 28th by 11 a.m. Pitchers and catchers report two weeks from tomorrow!

Thanks,
Drewer

One for The Thumb
Drew Gallagher, 10/01/08

Gentlemen,

Another season and another championship for the Malignancies. Though The Chicken bestowed the honors on Chris when he saw his initial roster, the season was not without some drama after the "Jamie Rape" a few weeks before the deadline. The Keppinger Fan Club leapt into first place for a short while and actually made Chris the Cubs of the ASL for a few weeks. But just like the New York Yankees, when the regular season ends you know Chris will be at the top. Well, except this year because the Yankees are old and ARod is a selfish ass.

This is the fifth ASL title for Chris who still trails the Chicken (7). (It pained me to type that.)

The Daley Doubles cruised to a second place finish based mostly on trading an injured Adam Jones to the Drewers without revealing the full extent of the injury. (In short, he treated me like the Mariners with Erik Bedard.) Dale celebrated his second place finish by jumping up and down on a sofa like Tom Cruise. What Dale failed to realize was that Tom Cruise has magic underwear that protects him from injury and Dale, naked and wearing no underwear (magic or otherwise), broke his leg in the fall.

The Question Marks had to wait out two extra games to hold off Fan Club for a third place finish. There are many reasons to rejoice over Mark finishing third (he's got four kids that he'll have to put through college one day) but foremost is that Jamie finished fourth--the kissing your sister spot in the standings. Yes, Jamie cashed, but some would argue that Scott, finishing fifth and getting the first overall pick in the reserve draft, made out better. The gods of fantasy baseball intervened to set the world straight after the "Jamie Rape". (Trade update: Sean Rodriguez, who Jamie said was a guaranteed stud for years to come, finished the season with a .204 batting average in 167 at bats. Projected over 500 at bats, Sean Rodriguez will hit .204.)

After finishing 11th his first two years in the ASL, Scott Metcalfe cashed for the second year in a row.

Matt Dodge just missed cashing for the third year in a row which would've been one of the great feats of all-time since he punted both the power categories and not even the famed Pete DeCoursey tried that (at least not on purpose).

The Chicken pieced together a roster of flotsam and made an interesting run at the top five. He'll have the third overall pick in the supplemental draft to show for it.

Rick finished eighth but gets fantasy MVP Carlos Quentin back at $10 and has a $3 closer for 2009. Though neither can hold a candle to Sean Rodriguez who played in 59 games and hit three homeruns. Projected over 150 games that comes to eight homeruns. But he'll hit .204!

Any issues that you would like to include for the annual survey please forward to Jamie. Payments for the money spots will be mailed in the coming weeks. (As an aside, can we begin to fathom what excuses our former treasurer, Scott Winterburn, would've been throwing out there in this economic climate?)

Provided Tailgaters doesn't become the 100th restaurant to fail in Berks County in the coming months, we hope to have our draft there again. Trading season is now open.

Go Sox! (The Chicken Sux.)

Drewer

Malignancies Chris Malinowski	Final 2008 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
	88.5	.273 10	208 10	956 12	154 12	87 9.5	67 11	3.50 12	1.251 12
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	71.5	.268 5	205 8.5	858 6	113 8	91 11	68 12	3.73 10	1.268 11
Question Marks Mark Bennett	62	.278 12	209 11	911 11	118 9	80 6	49 5	4.25 6	1.415 2
Keppinger F.C. Jamie Schlesinger	60	.268 4	204 7	903 10	144 11	95 12	24 3	4.29 4	1.321 9
Huskies Scott Metcalfe	59	.273 8	225 12	896 9	79 3	67 4	54 7	3.97 9	1.331 7
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	55	.273 9	88 1	553 2	142 10	78 5	54 7	3.60 11	1.275 10
The Chicken Mike Drago	51	.269 6	205 8.5	889 8	81 4	86 7.5	54 7	4.28 5	1.394 5
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	50.5	.276 11	189 6	873 7	72 1.5	64 2	60 9	4.19 8	1.358 6
Drewers Drew Gallagher	44.5	.257 2	179 4	767 4	85 6	87 9.5	25 4	4.19 7	1.329 8
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	41.5	.267 3	181 5	849 5	82 5	86 7.5	62 10	4.38 3	1.408 3
City Slickers Marty Slickers	25.5	.269 7	158 3	760 3	72 1.5	66 3	20 2	4.52 2	1.404 4
3S2W Stu Sheetz	15	.255 1	122 2	545 1	100 7	51 1	17 1	5.02 1	1.482 1

The Return of the King
Drew Gallagher, 11/30/07

Gentlemen,

As the winter meetings approach, I wanted to make you aware of one seismic change in the ASL landscape. The Wine Drives, with one ASL championship in two years, have been ceded to a man that makes Mark Cuban look humble…a man who former Red Sox pitcher Dennis Boyd dubbed the original Oil Can…a man who knows the "c" in Gubicza is silent... The myth, the self-aggrandizing legend, the founding father of the ASL….The San Drago Chicken himself, Mr. Mike Drago has returned (again).

For those of you unfamiliar with Michael and his rotisserie prowess there is a Wikipedia entry. He was gracious enough to help us out at last year's draft and cover for the Daley Doubles. He was thrust into the middle of Silvagate and was not appeased until an official fatwa was rendered. (Said fatwa resulted in Silva being traded by the Perk N Beans to the Doubles later in the season.) He founded the Altered States League in 1985 with a bunch of reporters, deadbeat friends and a 15-year old whose first draft was highlighted by the drafting of Pat Tabler and Brook Jacoby for $1 each. He is still a reporter for the Reading Eagle, his friends are still deadbeats and Pat Tabler remains the highlight of 23 years of ASL drafts for said 15-year old.

When advised of the new owner, Perk N Beans owner Jon Perkins issued the following statement: "The guy's a toolbag but at least he's not a little bitch like Dale. Can we kick Dale out?"

In a totally unrelated move, The Drewers announced the rehiring of Dick Drago as their new pitching coach. Drewer Manager for life, Pat Tabler (see above), said that the move had nothing to do with the return of The San Drago Chicken and put it off as mere coincidence. When reminded that Dick Drago seems to be rehired as the pitching coach for The Drewers every time The Chicken returns to the league he said it was nothing more than coincidence. "Look, sometimes two great things go together. Like chocolate and peanut butter. Pizza and beer. Dick and Drago."

I personally am tickled to have Drago back in the fold and have always maintained that the ASL without The Chicken is like a day without sunshine or a Pete DeCoursey car without a boot on the front tire.

Now please join me in hoping that Dan Haren gets traded to the Mets.

Drewer

Malignancies Chris Malinowski	Final 2007 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
	85.5	.270 5	215 12	965 11	123 9.5	105 12	89 12	3.57 12	1.23 12
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	67.5	.292 12	183 5	974 12	136 11.5	98 11	22 4	4.32 8	1.38 4
Huskies Scott Metcalfe	67.5	.276 8	186 7	872 7	123 9.5	70 6	59 10	4.17 9	1.33 11
City Slickers Marty Slickers	60	.281 11	196 9	937 9	101 5	75 9	47 5	4.37 6	1.36 6
Question Marks Mark Bennett	58	.270 4	197 10	948 10	116 7	71 7	7 1	4.15 10	1.34 9
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	52.5	.272 7	200 11	892 8	95 4	68 4.5	56 9	4.56 4	1.37 5
Drewers Drew Gallagher	48.5	.276 9	185 6	777 5	74 2	68 4.5	15 3	3.90 11	1.34 8
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	47	.263 3	192 8	854 6	70 1	84 10	49 7	4.44 5	1.34 7
Cabin Boy Jamie Schlesinger	45	.263 2	154 2	736 2	115 6	74 8	55 8	4.35 7	1.33 10
3S2W Stu Sheetz	35.5	.271 6	169 3	759 3	136 11.5	56 2	48 6	5.11 2	1.49 2
Wine Drives Drew Wine	34	.278 10	106 1	555 1	122 8	40 1	75 11	4.35 1	1.40 1
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	23	.256 1	176 4	764 4	86 3	65 3	11 2	4.77 3	1.42 3

New ASL Owner
Drew Gallagher, 1/16/07

Gentlemen,

I wanted to give everyone an opportunity to disconnect their e-mails before we announce the addition of Jamie Schlesinger (aka Mini Mal) to the ASL. Jamie has participated in the ESL for a few years and was handpicked by Perk to fill the void created by the departure of Scott Winterburn. Jamie brings a string of unending e-mails and trade proposals without the benefit of spell check. To describe Jamie as “active” would be like describing Chris Elliott’s Oscar worthy performance in “Cabin Boy” as average. Or comparing the excitement level of draft day to a 12-year old cheerleading competition.

The one nice thing about Jamie and his e-mails is that they require no research on your part. The players he is trading to you are sure Hall of Famers while all that he is asking in return is a little kindness and a $5 King Felix with a tired arm certain to breakdown by the end of April. Or he’ll offer Scott Metcalfe a reserve pick for BoSox closer Joel Pineiro forgetting that we all now have access to RotoWorld.

A warm welcome to Jamie and my only request is that I be courtesy copied on any trade offers between Jamie and Matt Dodge.

Thanks,
Drewer

Thank You
Drew Wine, 10/05/06

I, too, would like to Thank All of You responsible for the Wine Drives success.

C-City B for undertaking fatherhood and deeming the ASL too time consuming for his new life.

Drew Gallagher for inviting me to play and managing my team in a deliberate attempt to somehow beat Chris.

Dale Scott for teaching me the rules that Gallagher conveniently ignored.

Margaret Gallagher for coming up with the name Wine Drives!

Chris, as fair minded commissioner, who constantly had to make moves for me because of the weak Internet service I employ.

Mark Bennett for the late night call to pick up Bobby Abreu. (music in the background)

My MVP Derek Jeter plus teamates Jason Giambi and Vernon Wells, . . . Johan (what can I say, I love you all!)

Scott Schoeneweiss with a win and Ben Broussard with a steal when it only mattered to the Wine Drive's.

And finally, like the Boss, Steinbrenner, I had to write the check. Now I get to cash one!

Perk, I'll see you in the celler next year!

The 2006 ASL Coronation
Drew Gallagher, 10/02/06

Gentlemen,

The season hath ended and after the warning track dust has settled and the MRI machine used to examine Francisco Liriano finally broke, The
Wine Drives were left atop the mound of injured and dead (made up mostly of Perk's active roster) to claim the ASL pennant in the team's first year of existence.

The Malignancies, as always, gave a spirited run at the rookie but the quest fell about two shutout wins short. The Daley Doubles prevailed in a tight race for third place and outpaced the Polaras by one point.
Without checking the ASL annals, I believe that it may have been the first money finish for Mr. Dodge. A much-deserved honor. The rotting corpse that was the season-end Drewers limped into the final money spot.
(Note to Scott Winterburn: I now have the first reserve pick for 2007 so start mulling over the offers.)

Owner and general manager Drew Wine was ebullient in the championship clubhouse after getting doused with Dom Perignon by team MVP Derek Jeter.

"Can you believe that guy was tagging Mariah Carey?," he asked before whipping a slimmed down Jason Giambi in the ass with a towel.

But the biggest bare hugs were saved for closer Todd Jones who single-handedly preserved The Wines tenuous foothold in the saves category all year.

"The liberal media has blamed Bush for Iraq and also stated that I was a puppet owner who merely took the all-star squad that the C City B had assembled and just didn't screw them up. Well, my answer to those
critics is two words: Todd Jones."

"Greg drafted that oft-injured no talent Octavio Dotel as his closer and look where he finished last year. I recognized early on the need for a high-end closer. Though I readily admit I had no idea who Todd Jones
was when I drafted him, I knew that I wanted a fat guy who made me look good naked. Certainly Matt Stairs fit that bill but with TJ AND Stairs I look like an Adonis when I get out of the clubhouse shower."

When asked why the owner showers with his players Mr. Wine blamed the liberal media again. He further added that the conservative media sees no problem with such interaction between grown men and, in fact, seems to have no problem with that same interaction between grown men and teenage pages on the Hill.

So now we can turn our focus to 2007, the 23rd year of the ASL! For any owners who do not wish to participate in 2007 please let us know immediately so we can usher in the next generation of first-year champions. The Huskies, 3Sheetz, Yardbirds and Slickers have amassed some nice keepers for 2007. Winterburn has his stable of rookies and the lingering cancer that is ERod. Will they finally part company this offseason? The Question Marks nearly captured a money spot without gutting their roster and The Malignances have said that they have their deepest keeper list ever. As for the Polaras, Doubles, Perk N Beans and the Drewers? Seasons are not built or won on October potential. The battle for 9th places next September should be heated.

Trading season is open!

Drewer

Drew Wine Wine Drives	Final 2006 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
	75.5	.287 12	221 9	948 9	134 12	94 12	42 4.5	4.24 9	1.33 8
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	73	.279 8	260 12	1051 12	94 7	93 11	102 12	4.40 6	1.38 5
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	65	.273 3	215 8	858 6	130 11	91 9	45 6	3.97 12	1.32 10
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	64	.279 9	237 10	1012 11	109 9	91 9	49 8	4.58 4	1.41 4
Drewers Drew Gallagher	63.5	.278 7	238 11	984 10	113 10	85 7	42 4.5	4.35 7	1.35 7
Question Marks Mark Bennett	58	.282 10	178 3	889 7	102 8	71 4	27 3	3.98 11	1.28 12
Rug Burns Scott Winterburn	49.5	.270 2	202 4.5	728 3	78 1	91 9	68 11	4.29 8	1.32 11
City Slickers Marty Slickers	47	.262 1	211 7	844 5	81 2	77 6	47 7	4.14 10	1.33 9
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	44	.277 6	202 4.5	785 4	91 4.5	73 5	62 9	4.51 5	1.37 6
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	43	.284 11	204 6	903 8	83 3	69 3	64 10	4.98 1	1.51 1
Huskies Scott Metcalfe	23	.277 5	166 2	676 2	93 6	58 1	25 2	4.91 2	1.43 3
3S2W Stu Sheetz	18.5	.274 4	157 1	638 1	91 4.5	67 2	21 1	4.79 3	1.43 2

2006 ASL Draft Day
Year #22
Saturday, April 1st, 2006, 11AM
at Tailgaters Steakhouse

* Last year Marty called just as the draft was set to begin and said he wasn't going to make it. Then 15 minutes later was on his way. He arrived an hour into the draft, but somehow still managed to win the league. This year he got lost on the way, and called multiple times to say he was just about there. He arrived 90 minutes late, and immediately picked up Shawn Chacon $14, Carl Everett $11, and Shannon Stewart $14. Can he pull it off again?!!?!

* This was a first-time Rotisserie experience for Drew Wine who replaced Greg Ciambruschini. Drew's first ever purchase was a $41 Gary Sheffield. It looks like he got a steal in a $1 Lance Nix - the day of the draft the Rangers traded David Dellucci to the Phillies opening a starting CF slot for Nix. On the flip-side he also drafted a $28 Todd Jones who was placed on the DL the night of the draft. Welcome to Fantasy Baseball.

* Looks like another lost cause of a year for me, not helped by Jason Bartlett getting sent down just before the draft. I replaced him and Brandon McCarthy ($5) with rookie Kendry Morales who hadn't been sent down yet, and Dustin Pedroia who was going to extend spring camp. Ugh. Nothing like starting the year with two dead spots. To pour salt on the wound, at the end of the draft I had $8 to spend and forgot about McCarthy. I wound up taking Ted Lilly. Lilly is now out with a bad back, and McCarthy picked up the W in the first MLB game of the year Sunday night.

* Scott W kept A-Rod ($48) and Manny Ramirez for the second year in a row. To top it off, he actually extended Manny's contract by a year, taking him from $41 to $46.

* Jon Perkins drafted the most expensive offensive player and pitcher - Vladimir Guerrero ($50) and Mariano Rivera ($41). (He also paid $42 for Hideki Matsui.)

* Draft day prices seemed even crazier than usual: $28 Milton Bradley (Perk), $37 Curt Schilling (Scott M), $38 Torii Hunter (Scott M), $30 Kevin Mench (Mark), $27 Raul Ibanez (Matt), $26 Mark Loretta (Matt), $35 Brad Wilkerson (Drew), $38 Melvin Mora (Stu), $35 Aubry Huff (Stu), $27 Javy Lopez (Dale)???????!!!

* Stu's pitching staff costs a grand total of $38 and half of that is a $19 Eddie Guardado.

* The first players taken in the reserve draft were Brandon Wood (Rick), Andy Marte (Scott W), Alex Gordon (me), B.J.Upton ($10, Drew), Howie Kendrick (Matt) and Craig Hansen (Mark).

A.P. PRESS RELEASE
by Drew Gallagher, 12/16/05
FREDERICKSBURG, VA - It is with great regret that I announce the resignation of Greg Ciambruschini from the ASL. Apparently the Coco Crisp for Sammy Sosa trade did not go over well in the household and he felt a need to extricate himself from any other fantasy baseball entanglements. The man is not easily replaced but fortunately the proud franchise is being turned over to the man that Greg probably would've handpicked himself had Carrie allowed him to make any more decisions. Drew Wine, a name familiar to many of those in the league, has consented to take over a franchise that is now saved from Washington Nationals-like limbo.

Star outfielder Vernon Wells was thrilled by the announcement: "I hear the guy thinks Robinson Cano is a book by Robert Louis Stevenson, but we're just happy to have some leadership in the front office. I heard the Daley Doubles took him out to lunch this afternoon to celebrate the announcement. I just hope Johann Santana is still on the squad by later this afternoon."

Though Mr. Wine has not announced a team name, initial reports indicate that a Hokie will figure prominently in the logo.

In other league news, we are still planning on drafting in Baltimore again this year. I believe that Scott's mom's house can be a fall back option (Scott, correct me if I am wrong there) but we would like to see if there is a room or restaurant available so as not to impose on Scott's mom. Since we won't be dropping cash on the lovely erasable boards this season we could probably pay a nominal fee for the use of a room. Any ideas are certainly welcome.

And, the Yankees $1 starting centerfielder is available for the right price. The line starts behind Matt Dodge.

Thanks for your time.

Drewer

Year in Review
Drew Gallagher, 10/04/05

Gentlemen,

As Matt Dodge touched upon, we may have seen the dawning of a new era in drafting. Marty's strategy of not just waiting, but not showing up, until the draft was three quarters ended looks like pure genius. I only hope that the book tour for "MartyBall" next spring does not conflict with our draft date. Congratulations to the Slickers on their first ASL pennant!

On a drafting note, Mr. Malinowski wanted to duly warn the rest of the league that he will be spending his money very early next year. Quote: "You can tell those bastards that I'm going to be spending early and often. None of this waiting to the end bullshit. All my money will be gone by the time Marty shows up next year." (I guess that's not a quote but maybe more of a paraphrase.)

There was a substantial turnover in the ASL heading into 2005 and three of the four new owners were able to cash. (And the one who did not cash had major surgery soon after the All-Star break so his attention was understandably elsewhere. Probably a good thing now that he has Nick Swisher back in tow for 2006.) So congratulations to Greg, Stu and Rick. For those of you playing at home, Stu and Rick had never participated in a fantasy baseball league prior to 2005 and Stu had 72 hours to familiarize himself with his roster and how to draft. Makes those of us who have been members for 21 years and accustomed to finishing eighth feel really good about our lives. If the geographic makeup of the league remains as it is we will again be looking to draft in Baltimore next year as long as everyone is agreeable to same. We would like to find a space/sports bar to host the event so Greg and Scott can toss out ideas when the time draws near.

And congratulations to Dale on his highest ASL finish ever. Despite the burden of the Perkins Prediction of an ASL title the squad still made things interesting for the Slickers when September opened.

On the money front, Chris is going to get the payment breakdowns to Scott in the next few days and then Scott will be issuing checks in the very near future. If anyone has unresolved debt (I don't think that applies) please take care of that immediately. And if anyone does not think they will be returning in 2006 please let us know as soon as possible so we can find a new owner. I've received a phone call from one Jonathan Finglass inquiring as to if there were any openings...

Chris will be sending out the winter surveys in a few months for your careful consideration.

Early prediction for 2006: Winterburn's squad is loaded. Early prediction II for 2006: Sammy Sosa will not be a Charm City Bandit. Early prediction for 2007: Sammy Sosa will not be a Charm City Bandit

I've got tons of mediocre starting pitching at reasonable prices so I'm willing to entertain any offers. Even my big Wang is available. (You didn't expect a final e-mail without a reference to Chien Ming did you?) The constant references to my big Wang do remind of Dale Scott's favorite King Missle song, "Detachable Penis". He'll burn you a copy if you like.

Thanks to all for their participation. I enjoyed it. And remember...Chone Figgins is a veritable god unless he meets up with the Sox in the ALCS--then he's Bret Barberie for a series.

Drewer
Once and Future ASL Champion

Note to Chris, Greg and Dale--I was just kidding about Finglass.

City Slickers Marty Slickers	Final 2005 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
	78	.279 12	234 11	908 12	74 3	82 8	64 10	3.85 12	1.27 10
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	71	.263 2	214 8	872 9	122 11	99 12	54 7	3.90 11	1.26 11
CCBs G.Ciambruschini	67	.277 11	222 9	858 8	88 6	98 11	8 1	4.01 9	1.26 12
3S2W Stu Sheetz	64	.273 8	202 7	848 6	119 9.5	81 6	60 8.5	3.95 10	1.28 9
Yardbirds Rick Frantz	61.5	.269 5	198 6	896 11	86 5	88 9.5	65 11	4.25 7	1.34 7
Rug Burns Scott Winterburn	55	.275 10	252 12	851 7	102 8	74 4	38 4	4.41 4	1.35 6
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	54.5	.269 4	233 10	885 10	119 9.5	81 6	50 6	4.35 5	1.37 4
Drewers Drew Gallagher	45.5	.266 3	117 1	565 1	139 12	88 9.5	33 3	4.20 8	1.32 8
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	39	.253 1	160 3	776 4	69 2	81 6	81 12	4.25 6	1.36 5
Question Marks Mark Bennett	36	.274 9	190 5	770 3	99 7	64 2	47 5	4.48 3	1.40 2
Huskies Scott Metcalfe	27	.272 7	189 4	798 5	62 1	66 3	19 2	4.56 2	1.38 3
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	25.5	.270 6	139 2	702 2	79 4	48 1	60 8.5	4.63 1	1.39 1

2005 ASL Draft Day
Year #21
Saturday, April 2nd, 2005, Noon
at Scott Metcalfe's Mom's house

* April 2nd was met with torrential downpours. Just about everyone was late.

* Marty Slickers who was pulled over for an out-of-date registration, and had his car towed away the night before on his way to the ESL draft, as of noon said he wasn't going to make it, and then 15 minutes later was on his way. He arrived an hour into the draft and almost immediately picked up a $30 Magglio Ordonez, a $27 Shannon Stewart, a $27 Mike Mussina, and a $27 Matt Clement.

* Stu Sheetz was coming to the draft just to help and watch, but wound up getting a team of his own when Gerry Orlando bailed out on his at the last minute for the 3rd consecutive year.

* It was also the first year for Greg Ciambruschini, Rick Franz and Scott Metcalfe who were taking over for the departed Mike Drago, Pete DeCoursey and Kori Walter. Greg had previously played in the ASL in 1996 and 1997. Scott Metcalfe had played in the ESL for the last two years. It was a first time Rotisserie baseball experience for Rick.

* I had over $100 left on the board while most of the league was down around $25. I thought I knew what I was doing, but after being forced to go to $29 on Kevin Mench and $20 on John Gibbons it became clear that I had made a wee-bit of a mistake along the way.

* With A-Rod being kept by Scott W for $48, no offensive player broke the $40 barrier. Eric Chavez (Dale) and Adrian Beltre (Matt) both went for $39.

* The highest price for a pitcher was a $40 Randy Johnson (Rick). Curt Schilling and Octavio Dotel were next at $33.

* The first player taken in the reserve draft was Ross Gload (Scott M). The first rookie taken was Dan Meyer with the 3rd overall pick (Stu), followed by Derrick Barton (Dale) and Eric Aybar (Mark).

* After the draft we all went to Applebee's to watch the NCAA finals.

Perk's Power Rankings, 2/15/05

Welcome to the initial installment of Perk’s Power Rankings for the ASL. In an uncharacteristic effort at diplomacy, the teams are not ranked 1 through 12 but rather in little sub-groups. At least teams 2 through 11 are. So without further delay…

DALE WINS GROUP:

The Daley Doubles. Only one team qualifies for this group because they are head and shoulders above the rest of the league. Perk’s comments: “LB (stands for little bitch for those of you playing at home) is certain to win the ASL this year unless he attends the draft. We’ll see if he can capture a little of that 2001 magic.” (Editor’s note: 2001 was the only one of Dale’s six years in the league that he finished better than eighth.)

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING IN APRIL GROUP:

The Question Marks. They feature the best keeper in Francisco Cordero and a bevy of youngsters. Perk’s comments: “If Sammy Sosa can babysit the kiddies on his roster he should finish in the money. Oh, and Mark, unlike Dale, would benefit greatly from attending the draft.”

The Malignancies. Perk’s comments: “Chris would be poised for a title run if not for Baldelli’s offseason WiffleBall injury.”

The Drewers. Perk’s comments: “Just type something about your lovechild Chone Figgins.”

CUCKOO FOR COCO CRISP GROUP:

The Charm City Bandits. Greg’s squad defines this grouping because they feature a bunch of solid keepers and some players with the type of upside (see aforementioned Coco Crisp) that could launch them into the money slots. With a shorty on the way, it’s time for a payday. Perk’s comments: “Obviously Drew’s love for Greg got him the best of the dispersal draft.”

Gerry’s Kids. Solid keepers. You just wonder about which draft strategy Scott will have to employ this season. Perk’s comments: “This team would look a lot better with Zach Greinke. We’ll draw straws to see who drafts for Gerry this year.” (Gerry is secretly hoping it is not Dale.)

Dodge Polaris. Drago is gone but Mo Rivera is still a fine keeper on someone else’s team for a change. Perk’s comments: “We all voted for Matt’s daughter as cheerleader so it’d be nice if he returned the kindness on draft day.”

Seafood Rick. Rick has never participated in an auction style draft before. Oh, the horror. Perk’s comments: “Since he’s the new guy we’ll take it easy on him in the pre-draft comments but I’m certain he will provide us with plenty of fuel for next year. Will Pudge’s 19 homeruns hold up now that he’s off the juice?”

DREAMS OF DRAFT DAY BARGAINS GROUP:

The Slickers. Some of the best keepers in the league (Big Papi!) but just not enough of them unless he works some draft day magic which he has been known to do in the past. Perk’s comments: “Is he back from witness protection?”

The Rug Burns. They had their fun last year but really need to be able to only draft for one team this season and concentrate. They need Sheffield this season. Perk’s comments: “Maybe Scott should draft five teams this year since two worked the magic last year and his team really sucks this year.”

The Huskies. The expansion draft did not give Scott much of a pitching staff but the team is so much better than the corpse he left behind in the ESL. Mark’s main competition for Sosa. Perk’s comments: “I need to mention something about Suzuki sucking or getting injured because I don’t want him to keep him. I want him on my team.”

DIPLOMACY GROUP:

The Perk & Beans. Unlike Jose Canseco, Perk recognizes that there may be ramifications from a writing such as this so he’d like to self-deprecate in hopes of being able to trade with other teams this season. But, he added: “My team pretty much does suck.” (Starting outfield of Reed Johnson, B.J. Surhoff, Rondell White and Willie Harris plugging the fourth hole. Need more be said? Yeah, how about that number one starter Mark Hendrickson? All players available at this time.)

Rug Burns Scott Winterburn	Final 2004 Standings
		Avg	HR	RBI	SB	W	S	ERA	Ratio
	65	.273 8	249 11	889 9	132 11	94 12	69 12	4.87 1	1.44 1
Drewers Drew Gallagher	63	.268 1	208 7	914 10	140 12	83 9	12 1	4.27 12	1.34 11
Perk & Beans Jon Perkins	61	.277 11	206 6	886 8	81 2	75 5	58 10	4.50 7	1.31 12
DeCoys Pete DeCoursey	60	.270 3	233 10	954 11	88 3	65 2	65 11	4.32 10	1.34 10
The Chicken Mike Drago	58.5	.280 12	210 8.5	860 7	102 9	57 1	51 8	4.45 9	1.41 4
Dodge Polaras Matt Dodge	55	.272 6	164 1	782 4	99 6	88 11	50 7	4.31 11	1.38 9
Gerry's Kids Gerry Orlando	55	.275 10	267 12	1020 12	90 4	79 7	23 2	4.68 5	1.42 3
Daley Doubles Dale Scott	49.5	.273 7	210 8.5	851 6	129 10	77 6	26 4	4.79 2	1.40 6
Question Marks Mark Bennett	43.5	.274 9	179 3	745 2.5	100 7	67 3	56 9	4.50 8	1.43 2
Malignancies Chris Malinowski	39	.272 5	172 2	722 1	101 8	80 8	43 6	4.76 4	1.40 5
City Slickers Marty Slickers	37.5	.269 2	199 5	745 2.5	97 5	84 10	25 3	4.77 3	1.39 7
K-9's Kori Walter	37	.271 4	197 4	815 5	79 1	74 4	36 5	4.65 6	1.39 8

Drew's Letter to John Hunt, 1/06/04

I do not know if you guys are going to invite any laypeople to the spring LABR draft, but wanted to offer up my self-serving credentials. Actually, just wanted to share with someone that 2004 will mark the 20th anniversaries of both our Altered State League (AL only) and Eternal Squabblers League (NL only). I'm certain there are a few leagues that have already celebrated 20 years, but I was only 15 when the ASL began and my father had to drive me to the draft since I didn't have a license.

Dad, not aware of the length of such an affair, was employed as auctioneer about halfway through and he has continued as auctioneer for almost every one of those 20 years. Of the 12 original owners, I was the youngest by 10 years when the league started and I am now the only original member of the league that has participated for all 20 years. (I have one championship to show for it but let's skip that part.) I'd be willing to bet there aren't many out there who have done this for 20 years with those 20 years making up more than half their lives.

Never missed a draft. Even through college when I would sometimes have to take the train five hours to get back from college since I didn't have a car at school.

After participating in the ASL draft in March of 1985, I was so enamored with the concept that I got a group of my friends together and we started our NL only league at the all-star break of 1985. We had a half season (doing stats by hand) and have continued with that league as well. There are three of the original 10 owners who have competed for all 20 years. Pretty impressive in my mind.

So I offer up to you, how many other rotisserie players have been in two leagues for 20 years straight? Trust me, this does not impress my wife.

Thanks for your time and I look forward to the fantasy baseball column starting up again soon.

Drew Gallagher