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One for The Thumb
Drew Gallagher, 10/01/08 |
Gentlemen,
Another season and another championship for the
Malignancies. Though The Chicken bestowed the honors on
Chris when he saw his initial roster, the season was not
without some drama after the "Jamie Rape" a few weeks
before the deadline. The Keppinger Fan Club leapt into
first place for a short while and actually made Chris
the Cubs of the ASL for a few weeks. But just like the
New York Yankees, when the regular season ends you know
Chris will be at the top. Well, except this year because
the Yankees are old and ARod is a selfish ass.
This is the fifth ASL title for Chris who still trails
the Chicken (7). (It pained me to type that.)
The Daley Doubles cruised to a second place finish based
mostly on trading an injured Adam Jones to the Drewers
without revealing the full extent of the injury. (In
short, he treated me like the Mariners with Erik Bedard.)
Dale celebrated his second place finish by jumping up
and down on a sofa like Tom Cruise. What Dale failed to
realize was that Tom Cruise has magic underwear that
protects him from injury and Dale, naked and wearing no
underwear (magic or otherwise), broke his leg in the
fall.
The Question Marks had to wait out two extra games to
hold off Fan Club for a third place finish. There are
many reasons to rejoice over Mark finishing third (he's
got four kids that he'll have to put through college one
day) but foremost is that Jamie finished fourth--the
kissing your sister spot in the standings. Yes, Jamie
cashed, but some would argue that Scott, finishing fifth
and getting the first overall pick in the reserve draft,
made out better. The gods of fantasy baseball intervened
to set the world straight after the "Jamie Rape". (Trade
update: Sean Rodriguez, who Jamie said was a guaranteed
stud for years to come, finished the season with a .204
batting average in 167 at bats. Projected over 500 at
bats, Sean Rodriguez will hit .204.) |
After
finishing 11th his first two years in the ASL, Scott
Metcalfe cashed for the second year in a row.
Matt Dodge just missed cashing for the third year in a
row which would've been one of the great feats of
all-time since he punted both the power categories and
not even the famed Pete DeCoursey tried that (at least
not on purpose).
The Chicken pieced together a roster of flotsam and made
an interesting run at the top five. He'll have the third
overall pick in the supplemental draft to show for it.
Rick finished eighth but gets fantasy MVP Carlos Quentin
back at $10 and has a $3 closer for 2009. Though neither
can hold a candle to Sean Rodriguez who played in 59
games and hit three homeruns. Projected over 150 games
that comes to eight homeruns. But he'll hit .204!
Any issues that you would like to include for the annual
survey please forward to Jamie. Payments for the money
spots will be mailed in the coming weeks. (As an aside,
can we begin to fathom what excuses our former
treasurer, Scott Winterburn, would've been throwing out
there in this economic climate?)
Provided Tailgaters doesn't become the 100th restaurant
to fail in Berks County in the coming months, we hope to
have our draft there again. Trading season is now open.
Go Sox! (The Chicken Sux.)
Drewer |
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The Return of the King
Drew Gallagher, 11/30/07 |
Gentlemen,
As the winter meetings approach, I wanted to make you
aware of one seismic change in the ASL landscape. The
Wine Drives, with one ASL championship in two years,
have been ceded to a man that makes Mark Cuban look
humble…a man who former Red Sox pitcher Dennis Boyd
dubbed the original Oil Can…a man who knows the "c" in
Gubicza is silent... The myth, the self-aggrandizing
legend, the founding father of the ASL….The San Drago
Chicken himself, Mr. Mike Drago has returned (again).
For those of you unfamiliar with Michael and his
rotisserie prowess there is a Wikipedia entry. He was
gracious enough to help us out at last year's draft and
cover for the Daley Doubles. He was thrust into the
middle of Silvagate and was not appeased until an
official fatwa was rendered. (Said fatwa resulted in
Silva being traded by the Perk N Beans to the Doubles
later in the season.) He founded the Altered States
League in 1985 with a bunch of reporters, deadbeat
friends and a 15-year old whose first draft was
highlighted by the drafting of Pat Tabler and Brook
Jacoby for $1 each. He is still a reporter for the
Reading Eagle, his friends are still deadbeats and Pat
Tabler remains the highlight of 23 years of ASL drafts
for said 15-year old. |
When advised
of the new owner, Perk N Beans owner Jon Perkins issued
the following statement: "The guy's a toolbag but at
least he's not a little bitch like Dale. Can we kick
Dale out?"
In a totally unrelated move, The Drewers announced the
rehiring of Dick Drago as their new pitching coach.
Drewer Manager for life, Pat Tabler (see above), said
that the move had nothing to do with the return of The
San Drago Chicken and put it off as mere coincidence.
When reminded that Dick Drago seems to be rehired as the
pitching coach for The Drewers every time The Chicken
returns to the league he said it was nothing more than
coincidence. "Look, sometimes two great things go
together. Like chocolate and peanut butter. Pizza and
beer. Dick and Drago."
I personally am tickled to have Drago back in the fold
and have always maintained that the ASL without The
Chicken is like a day without sunshine or a Pete
DeCoursey car without a boot on the front tire.
Now please join me in hoping that Dan Haren gets traded
to the Mets.
Drewer |
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New ASL Owner
Drew Gallagher, 1/16/07 |
Gentlemen,
I wanted to give everyone an opportunity to disconnect
their e-mails before we announce the addition of Jamie
Schlesinger (aka Mini Mal) to the ASL. Jamie has
participated in the ESL for a few years and was
handpicked by Perk to fill the void created by the
departure of Scott Winterburn. Jamie brings a string of
unending e-mails and trade proposals without the benefit
of spell check. To describe Jamie as “active” would be
like describing Chris Elliott’s Oscar worthy performance
in “Cabin Boy” as average. Or comparing the excitement
level of draft day to a 12-year old cheerleading
competition. |
The one nice
thing about Jamie and his e-mails is that they require
no research on your part. The players he is trading to
you are sure Hall of Famers while all that he is asking
in return is a little kindness and a $5 King Felix with
a tired arm certain to breakdown by the end of April. Or
he’ll offer Scott Metcalfe a reserve pick for BoSox
closer Joel Pineiro forgetting that we all now have
access to RotoWorld.
A warm welcome to Jamie and my only request is that I be
courtesy copied on any trade offers between Jamie and
Matt Dodge.
Thanks,
Drewer |
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Thank You
Drew Wine, 10/05/06 |
I, too, would
like to Thank All of You responsible for the Wine Drives
success.
C-City B for undertaking fatherhood and deeming the ASL
too time consuming for his new life.
Drew Gallagher for inviting me to play and managing my
team in a deliberate attempt to somehow beat Chris.
Dale Scott for teaching me the rules that Gallagher
conveniently ignored.
Margaret Gallagher for coming up with the name Wine
Drives!
Chris, as fair minded commissioner, who constantly had
to make moves for me because of the weak Internet
service I employ. |
Mark Bennett
for the late night call to pick up Bobby Abreu. (music
in the background)
My MVP Derek Jeter plus teamates Jason Giambi and Vernon
Wells, . . . Johan (what can I say, I love you all!)
Scott Schoeneweiss with a win and Ben Broussard with a
steal when it only mattered to the Wine Drive's.
And finally, like the Boss, Steinbrenner, I had to write
the check. Now I get to cash one!
Perk, I'll see you in the celler next year! |
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The 2006 ASL Coronation
Drew Gallagher, 10/02/06 |
Gentlemen,
The season hath ended and after the warning track dust
has settled and the MRI machine used to examine
Francisco Liriano finally broke, The
Wine Drives were left atop the mound of injured and dead
(made up mostly of Perk's active roster) to claim the
ASL pennant in the team's first year of existence.
The Malignancies, as always, gave a spirited run at the
rookie but the quest fell about two shutout wins short.
The Daley Doubles prevailed in a tight race for third
place and outpaced the Polaras by one point.
Without checking the ASL annals, I believe that it may
have been the first money finish for Mr. Dodge. A
much-deserved honor. The rotting corpse that was the
season-end Drewers limped into the final money spot.
(Note to Scott Winterburn: I now have the first reserve
pick for 2007 so start mulling over the offers.)
Owner and general manager Drew Wine was ebullient in the
championship clubhouse after getting doused with Dom
Perignon by team MVP Derek Jeter.
"Can you believe that guy was tagging Mariah Carey?," he
asked before whipping a slimmed down Jason Giambi in the
ass with a towel.
But the biggest bare hugs were saved for closer Todd
Jones who single-handedly preserved The Wines tenuous
foothold in the saves category all year.
"The liberal media has blamed Bush for Iraq and also
stated that I was a puppet owner who merely took the
all-star squad that the C City B had assembled and just
didn't screw them up. Well, my answer to those
critics is two words: Todd Jones." |
"Greg drafted
that oft-injured no talent Octavio Dotel as his closer
and look where he finished last year. I recognized early
on the need for a high-end closer. Though I readily
admit I had no idea who Todd Jones
was when I drafted him, I knew that I wanted a fat guy
who made me look good naked. Certainly Matt Stairs fit
that bill but with TJ AND Stairs I look like an Adonis
when I get out of the clubhouse shower."
When asked why the owner showers with his players Mr.
Wine blamed the liberal media again. He further added
that the conservative media sees no problem with such
interaction between grown men and, in fact, seems to
have no problem with that same interaction between grown
men and teenage pages on the Hill.
So now we can turn our focus to 2007, the 23rd year of
the ASL! For any owners who do not wish to participate
in 2007 please let us know immediately so we can usher
in the next generation of first-year champions. The
Huskies, 3Sheetz, Yardbirds and Slickers have amassed
some nice keepers for 2007. Winterburn has his stable of
rookies and the lingering cancer that is ERod. Will they
finally part company this offseason? The Question Marks
nearly captured a money spot without gutting their
roster and The Malignances have said that they have
their deepest keeper list ever. As for the Polaras,
Doubles, Perk N Beans and the Drewers? Seasons are not
built or won on October potential. The battle for 9th
places next September should be heated.
Trading season is open!
Drewer |
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2006 ASL Draft Day
Year #22
Saturday, April 1st, 2006, 11AM
at Tailgaters Steakhouse |
* Last year Marty called just as the draft was set to begin
and said he wasn't going to
make it. Then 15 minutes later was on his way.
He arrived an hour into the draft, but somehow still managed
to win the league. This year he got lost on the way,
and called multiple times to say he was just about there.
He arrived 90 minutes late, and immediately picked up Shawn
Chacon $14, Carl Everett $11, and Shannon Stewart $14.
Can he pull it off again?!!?!
* This was a first-time Rotisserie experience for Drew Wine
who replaced Greg Ciambruschini. Drew's first ever
purchase was a $41 Gary Sheffield. It looks like he
got a steal in a $1 Lance Nix - the day of the draft the
Rangers traded David Dellucci to the Phillies opening a
starting CF slot for Nix. On the flip-side he also
drafted a $28 Todd Jones who was placed on the DL the night
of the draft. Welcome to Fantasy Baseball.
* Looks like another lost cause of a year for me, not helped
by Jason Bartlett getting sent down just before the draft.
I replaced him and Brandon McCarthy ($5) with rookie Kendry
Morales who hadn't been sent down yet, and Dustin Pedroia
who was going to extend spring camp. Ugh.
Nothing like starting the year with two dead spots. To
pour salt on the wound, at the end of the draft I had $8 to
spend and forgot about McCarthy. I wound up taking Ted
Lilly. Lilly is now out with a bad back, and McCarthy
picked up the W in the first MLB game of the year Sunday
night. |
* Scott W kept A-Rod ($48) and Manny Ramirez for the second
year in a row. To top it off, he actually extended
Manny's contract by a year, taking him from $41 to $46.
* Jon Perkins drafted the most expensive offensive player and
pitcher - Vladimir Guerrero ($50) and Mariano Rivera
($41). (He also paid $42 for Hideki Matsui.)
* Draft day prices seemed even crazier than usual: $28
Milton Bradley (Perk), $37 Curt Schilling (Scott M), $38
Torii Hunter (Scott M), $30 Kevin Mench (Mark), $27 Raul
Ibanez (Matt), $26 Mark Loretta (Matt), $35 Brad Wilkerson
(Drew), $38 Melvin Mora (Stu), $35 Aubry Huff (Stu), $27
Javy Lopez (Dale)???????!!!
* Stu's pitching staff costs a grand total of $38 and half
of that is a $19 Eddie Guardado.
* The first players taken in the reserve draft were
Brandon Wood (Rick), Andy Marte (Scott W), Alex Gordon (me),
B.J.Upton ($10, Drew), Howie Kendrick (Matt) and Craig
Hansen (Mark). |
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A.P. PRESS RELEASE
by Drew Gallagher, 12/16/05
FREDERICKSBURG, VA - It is with great regret that I
announce the resignation of Greg Ciambruschini from the
ASL. Apparently the Coco Crisp for Sammy Sosa trade did
not go over well in the household and he felt a need to
extricate himself from any other fantasy baseball
entanglements. The man is not easily replaced but
fortunately the proud franchise is being turned over to
the man that Greg probably would've handpicked himself
had Carrie allowed him to make any more decisions. Drew
Wine, a name familiar to many of those in the league,
has consented to take over a franchise that is now saved
from Washington Nationals-like limbo.
Star outfielder Vernon Wells was thrilled by the
announcement: "I hear the guy thinks Robinson Cano is a
book by Robert Louis Stevenson, but we're just happy to
have some leadership in the front office. I heard the
Daley Doubles took him out to lunch this afternoon to
celebrate the announcement. I just hope Johann Santana
is still on the squad by later this afternoon."
Though Mr. Wine has not announced a team name, initial
reports indicate that a Hokie will figure prominently in
the logo.
In other league news, we are still planning on drafting
in Baltimore again this year. I believe that Scott's
mom's house can be a fall back option (Scott, correct me
if I am wrong there) but we would like to see if there
is a room or restaurant available so as not to impose on
Scott's mom. Since we won't be dropping cash on the
lovely erasable boards this season we could probably pay
a nominal fee for the use of a room. Any ideas are
certainly welcome.
And, the Yankees $1 starting centerfielder is available
for the right price. The line starts behind Matt Dodge.
Thanks for your time.
Drewer |
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Year in Review
Drew Gallagher, 10/04/05 |
Gentlemen,
As Matt Dodge touched upon, we may have seen the dawning
of a new era in drafting. Marty's strategy of not just
waiting, but not showing up, until the draft was three
quarters ended looks like pure genius. I only hope that
the book tour for "MartyBall" next spring does not
conflict with our draft date. Congratulations to the
Slickers on their first ASL pennant!
On a drafting note, Mr. Malinowski wanted to duly warn
the rest of the league that he will be spending his
money very early next year. Quote: "You can tell those
bastards that I'm going to be spending early and often.
None of this waiting to the end bullshit. All my money
will be gone by the time Marty shows up next year." (I
guess that's not a quote but maybe more of a
paraphrase.)
There was a substantial turnover in the ASL heading into
2005 and three of the four new owners were able to cash.
(And the one who did not cash had major surgery soon
after the All-Star break so his attention was
understandably elsewhere. Probably a good thing now that
he has Nick Swisher back in tow for 2006.) So
congratulations to Greg, Stu and Rick. For those
of you playing at home, Stu and Rick had never
participated in a fantasy baseball league prior to 2005
and Stu had 72 hours to familiarize himself with his
roster and how to draft. Makes those of us who have been
members for 21 years and accustomed to finishing eighth
feel really good about our lives. If the geographic
makeup of the league remains as it is we will again be
looking to draft in Baltimore next year as long as
everyone is agreeable to same. We would like to find a
space/sports bar to host the event so Greg and Scott can
toss out ideas when the time draws near.
And congratulations to Dale on his highest ASL finish
ever. Despite the burden of the Perkins Prediction of an
ASL title the squad still made things interesting for
the Slickers when September opened. |
On the money
front, Chris is going to get the payment breakdowns to
Scott in the next few days and then Scott will be
issuing checks in the very near future. If anyone has
unresolved debt (I don't think that applies) please take
care of that immediately. And if anyone does not think
they will be returning in 2006 please let us know as
soon as possible so we can find a new owner. I've
received a phone call from one Jonathan Finglass
inquiring as to if there were any openings...
Chris will be sending out the winter surveys in a few
months for your careful consideration.
Early prediction for 2006: Winterburn's squad is loaded.
Early prediction II for 2006: Sammy Sosa will not be a
Charm City Bandit. Early prediction for 2007: Sammy Sosa
will not be a Charm City Bandit
I've got tons of mediocre starting pitching at
reasonable prices so I'm willing to entertain any
offers. Even my big Wang is available. (You didn't
expect a final e-mail without a reference to Chien Ming
did you?) The constant references to my big Wang do
remind of Dale Scott's favorite King Missle song,
"Detachable Penis". He'll burn you a copy if you like.
Thanks to all for their participation. I enjoyed it. And
remember...Chone Figgins is a veritable god unless he
meets up with the Sox in the ALCS--then he's Bret
Barberie for a series.
Drewer
Once and Future ASL Champion
Note to Chris, Greg and Dale--I was just kidding about
Finglass. |
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2005 ASL Draft Day
Year #21
Saturday, April 2nd, 2005, Noon
at Scott Metcalfe's Mom's house |
* April 2nd was met with torrential downpours. Just
about everyone was late.
* Marty Slickers who was pulled over for an out-of-date
registration, and had his car towed away the night before on
his way to the ESL draft, as of noon said he wasn't going to
make it, and then 15 minutes later was on his way. He
arrived an hour into the draft and almost immediately picked
up a $30 Magglio Ordonez, a $27 Shannon Stewart, a $27 Mike
Mussina, and a $27 Matt Clement.
* Stu Sheetz was coming to the draft just to help and watch,
but wound up getting a team of his own when Gerry Orlando
bailed out on his at the last minute for the 3rd consecutive
year.
* It was also the first year for Greg Ciambruschini, Rick
Franz and Scott Metcalfe who were taking over for the
departed Mike Drago, Pete DeCoursey and Kori Walter.
Greg had previously played in the ASL in 1996 and 1997.
Scott Metcalfe had played in the ESL for the last two years.
It was a first time Rotisserie baseball experience for Rick. |
* I had over $100 left on the board while most of the league
was down around $25. I thought I knew what I was
doing, but after being forced to go to $29 on Kevin Mench
and $20 on John Gibbons it became clear that I had made a
wee-bit of a mistake along the way.
* With A-Rod being kept by Scott W for $48, no offensive
player broke the $40 barrier. Eric Chavez (Dale) and
Adrian Beltre (Matt) both went for $39.
* The highest price for a pitcher was a $40 Randy Johnson
(Rick). Curt Schilling and Octavio Dotel were next at
$33.
* The first player taken in the reserve draft was Ross Gload
(Scott M). The first rookie taken was Dan Meyer with
the 3rd overall pick (Stu), followed by Derrick Barton
(Dale) and Eric Aybar (Mark).
* After the draft we all went to Applebee's to watch the
NCAA finals. |
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| Perk's
Power Rankings, 2/15/05 |
Welcome to the initial
installment of Perk’s Power Rankings for the ASL.
In an uncharacteristic effort at diplomacy, the
teams are not ranked 1 through 12 but rather in
little sub-groups. At least teams 2 through 11
are. So without further delay…
 DALE
WINS GROUP:
The Daley Doubles.
Only one team qualifies for this group because they
are head and shoulders above the rest of the
league. Perk’s comments: “LB (stands for little
bitch for those of you playing at home) is certain
to win the ASL this year unless he attends the
draft. We’ll see if he can capture a little of that
2001 magic.” (Editor’s note: 2001 was the only one
of Dale’s six years in the league that he finished
better than eighth.)
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING IN APRIL GROUP:
 The Question Marks.
They feature the best keeper in Francisco Cordero
and a bevy of youngsters. Perk’s comments: “If
Sammy Sosa can babysit the kiddies on his roster he
should finish in the money. Oh, and Mark, unlike
Dale, would benefit greatly from attending the
draft.”
The Malignancies.
Perk’s comments: “Chris would be poised for a title
run if not for Baldelli’s offseason WiffleBall
injury.”
The Drewers.
Perk’s comments: “Just type something about your
lovechild Chone Figgins.”
CUCKOO
FOR COCO CRISP GROUP:
The Charm City
Bandits. Greg’s squad defines this grouping
because they feature a bunch of solid keepers and
some players with the type of upside (see
aforementioned Coco Crisp) that could launch them
into the money slots. With a shorty on the way,
it’s time for a payday. Perk’s comments: “Obviously
Drew’s love for Greg got him the best of the
dispersal draft.”
Gerry’s Kids.
Solid keepers. You just wonder about which draft
strategy Scott will have to employ this season.
Perk’s comments: “This team would look a lot better
with Zach Greinke. We’ll draw straws to see who
drafts for Gerry this year.” (Gerry is secretly
hoping it is not Dale.)
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Dodge Polaris.
Drago is gone but Mo Rivera is still a fine keeper on
someone else’s team for a change. Perk’s
 comments: “We
all voted for Matt’s daughter
as cheerleader so it’d be
nice if he returned the kindness on draft day.”
Seafood Rick.
Rick has never participated in an auction style draft
before. Oh, the horror. Perk’s comments: “Since he’s
the new guy we’ll take it easy on him in the pre-draft
comments but I’m certain he will provide us with plenty
of fuel for next year. Will Pudge’s 19 homeruns hold up
now that he’s off the juice?”
DREAMS OF DRAFT DAY BARGAINS GROUP:
The Slickers. Some
of the best keepers in the league (Big Papi!) but just
not enough of them unless he works some draft day magic
which he has been known to do in the past. Perk’s
comments: “Is he back from witness protection?”
The Rug Burns.
They had their fun last year but really need to be able
to only draft for one team this season and concentrate.
They need Sheffield this season. Perk’s comments:
“Maybe Scott should draft five teams this year since two
worked the magic last year and his team really sucks
this year.”
The Huskies. The
expansion draft did not give Scott much of a pitching
staff but the team is so much better than the corpse he
left behind in the ESL. Mark’s main competition for
Sosa. Perk’s comments: “I need to mention something
about Suzuki sucking or getting injured because I don’t
want him to keep him. I want him on my team.”
 DIPLOMACY
GROUP:
The Perk & Beans.
Unlike Jose Canseco, Perk recognizes that there may be
ramifications from a writing such as this so he’d like
to self-deprecate in hopes of being able to trade with
other teams this season. But, he added: “My team
pretty much does suck.” (Starting outfield of Reed
Johnson, B.J. Surhoff, Rondell White and Willie Harris
plugging the fourth hole. Need more be said? Yeah, how
about that number one starter Mark Hendrickson? All
players available at this time.)
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